YOU'RE WRONG
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
[This column was originally written for the German fanzine, Hackfleisch, later it was run in English in the art/culture magazine Genius With A Penis. Since this issue of MRR deals with alternative sexuality, I have decided to reprint it here. My regular April Crossword puzzle will be printed next month.]
Until now the so-called animal rightists have been attacking me for paying insufficient attention to their cause. These attacks are nothing more than cover-ups for the "rightists" lack of compassion. They merely want you to tolerate animals-- to let them live, albeit as second class non-citizens. They want to force them into separated, segregated existences.
"Set them free!" they proclaim. Then they walk away-- turning a cold shoulder to their deeper needs. Ultimately, most of these people are like the liberals who scream for integration then go into shock when their daughters date a Negro.
The only emotion these whiners are capable of, is pity. They claim to love animals, but have no idea how. That's why I'm writing this article-- now they'll have no excuse.
COWS: The major problem in loving cows is that you can't fuck them and kiss them at the same time. I suggest you start at the front and work your way back. Cows need a lot of foreplay before they are actually ready to do IT. The lack of foreplay is the greatest error of all well-meaning cow lovers. The number of frigid cows would more than halve if everyone would follow these suggestions:
Start at the front. There's nothing in the world like French kissing a big bossie. Those eggplant sized tongues can explore every crevice, every corner of your mouth. Many cows are more than willing to let their massive tongues wonder over other parts of your body-- don't be shy! She is just as willing to try new things as you are. You only have to ask.
After frenching a bit, gently wrap your arms around her neck. Let your tongue drift down under her throat. Don't be ashamed to drop to all fours as you trace a path between her forelegs to her dangling breasts. Gently caress those beauteous hanging glands. Rub then, hold them, suck them one by one into your mouth. Don't be surprised if you hear a little moo of pleasure as little Elsie begins to heat up.
By this time you will probably be heated up yourself, but try and keep control Give her a little more time. You'll see. It'll be better for the both of you. After stimulating the mamarian erogenous zone, continue your tongue run toward the real seat of sexual pleasure. What a joy! No hair to choke on or to get caught in your teeth. Instead of the somewhat fishy smell you might be used to, you will enjoy the light scent of fresh cheese.
Don't go right for the clit, you'll find it difficult to locate and only partially aroused. First run your tongue along the left and right sides of that soft organ. You'll feel these lower lips quickly swell to fullness. Gradually thrust your tongue deeper and deeper until you feel the muscles contract. Now is the time to take that blood bulging bulb of flesh between your teeth.
Gently-- ever so gently-- nibble that pad until those hefty hind legs begin to shake. Now you're ready. (The more adventurous might first try a little more erotic tasting. Try swirling the tongue around the cow's anal sphincter. Because cows eat only grass-- unlike the garbage humans put into their intestinal tracks-- their anus often has a pleasant minty taste.)
The rest of course is instinctual, but you'll find that with the proper foreplay, you and your mate will reach heights of ecstasy you both had only dreamed of before.
SHEEP: Like cows, sheep need substantial foreplay. They are, however, a bit more delicate than cows. Also, they lack the bovine propensity for standing. Sheep don't mind-- in fact they enjoy-- rolling on their backs for a good roll in the hay. Like dogs (the myth of "doggy style" has contributed to some of the most boring interspecies sex) sheep are easily tired by the same thing all the time. Try a little variety and see both of your love lives pick up.
PIGS: Pigs are the black sheep of the mammalian kingdom. They are often regarded as dirty, ugly, fat, etc. This specist attitude-- sometimes found even among animal lovers-- should be met head on.
Up until now, we've concentrated on a human male and other species female. Now is the perfect time to switch. Every woman (or "passively" gay male) I know who has had a swine lover has never returned to the "boring unspiraled" world of intra- anthropoid sex.
Male pigs are endowed with the most beautiful and erotic penises in the animal kingdom. These amazing organs spiral like a corkscrew, ending in a blunt point.
The best way for you to experience the joys of malepig love is to begin with a little foreplay. Unlike a human male with his bovine lover, pigs do not require much warm-up time. A quick deep kiss on the lips will tell porky you're interested. The next step is to crawl under the animal headfirst like a mechanic might crawl under a car to examine the universal joint.
Gently stroke the outer sheath until you see that red veined white cork screw emerge in arousal. Let your tongue stroke it, starting from the base, down the length of it. Once you get to the tip, linger awhile, run your tongue back and forth over the slit at the end, then take it into your mouth.
Just the curlicue feel inside your mouth will probably start the juices flowing inside you. You'll want to linger, feeling that twister slide against your tongue. Be careful!! It could be all over before you get to the best part!
If you hear your mate begin to snort loudly, then quickly reach above your lips and squeeze firmly but gently. Remove your mouth from the organ-- count to ten and then proceed.
When you both are ready, reverse your position so that your shoulders are near your mate's head. Then wrap your legs around each of his hams and pull your pelvis upwards. This requires a bit of acrobatics, but you'll find it more than worth it.
Reach forward and slip the end of that perfect penis into the front of your little hairy slit. Now prepare yourself. The feeling will be like the best raised dots; the best ribbed specialties, the best French tickler; and it's alive! it's real moving spiral flesh.
Of course this should be a book and not a short article, but I don't have the time or the publisher to write a book. My inquiries seeking support from so-called "animal rights" organizations remain unanswered.
I hope this little introduction will serve as an aid for those true animal lovers who were having problems with their mates. Of course, I haven't touched on the smaller animals, although hamster love has been widely discuss-- particularly in the gay press.
In any case, if we are to really reduce the difference between ourselves as humans and the rest of the animate world, we must learn to feel more than just pity for our fellow creatures. We must love them.
(END OF REPRINT)
--->Of course, animal sex is not my favorite type of sex, I wrote that to help animal lovers get the fullest enjoyment from their orientation. My favorite form of sex is pornography. I've made a short list of why pornography is better than so-called real sex. I'll end this column with that list:>
1. You don't have to worry about VD.
2. You don't have to make breakfast for it in the morning.
3. There's no morning breath
4. There's no stubble burn (face or legs).
5. You don't have to wait for it to cum.
6. It's never your best friend's girlfriend/boyfriend. If
it is, he/she already knows about it or will never find
out).
7. You can do a dozen different ones in one night.
8. Don't have to be embarrassed about the size of your cock.
9. You don't have to trade places.
10. You can get as kinky as you want without the whole gang
hearing about it.
11. If the porn is stupid, you don't have to try to talk to
it when you finish.
Oh yeah, I've always wanted to try this and now's the perfect chance. I want all my fan [(sic) You called it Mykel --TY] out there to send naked erotic photos of themselves doing something nasty. The most erotic will win a special prize. Write to me c/o PO Box 137, Prince Street Station, New York NY 10012.
Crossword puzzle next month, Buckaroos. See ya!
