YOU'RE WRONG
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
The pile of endnotes builds up in my computer like the beer in my bladder. To leave room for the piss, I'll keep this column short.
I want to talk about Luddites. The Brits hanged fourteen of 'em in the 1800s. Not enough, if you ask me. Here's the industrial revolution. Automatic looms ker-chunk kerchunk, saving hundred of people-hours. A machine knits sweaters without thousands of grandmothers loosing their eyesight.
Wham! Like Cary Nation in a bar, the Luddites storm in, axes swinging. Blam! The machines splinter. Kerpow! Wood frames, nuts and bolts spray across the floor.
"We'll fight machines to save jobs." say their proclamations, signed by General Ludd.
The Luddites started in the clothing industries and spread like AIDS throughout the workforce.
A hundred and fifty years later, only a few unions are still anti-machine. Those dinosaur labor organizations are as relevant as buggy whips. Not worth writing about. But modern day Luddism raises its purple head in another way: technophobia. That disease runs unrestrained through the right and left wings of American politics. Expressed in many ways (right now, claiming "environmental concerns" is trendy), its virus is the same fear of change that drove the loom-smashing Brits to their rope's end.
Remember a horror movie? A computer thrust its throbbing transistors deep inside a human female. Spurting forth seminal gigabytes, it spelled the end of humanity.
Computers were evil, said the modern Luddites. Governments can have information on everybody and use it to commit all kinds of horrors. You'll never be free again, because computers will keep track of your every move. Now, computers are available to everybody who didn't live on the street. College kids use 'em to sabotage the Defense Department. Punks use 'em to help put out zines with fewer spelling msitakes. Suddenly, computers aren't bad anymore, but other things are.
It's the nineteen fifties. Bearded scientists send out urgent messages. Bearded hippies stand with signs. Both say the same words. "Ban The Bomb. Atoms For Peace, Not War."
Why use such a spectacular scientific discovery to blow people up? Why can't we use it to heat our homes? Christians talk about beating swords into plowshares. An atom bomb is a high tech sword. Electricity is a plowshare.
What happened? Scientists, governments and electric companies use atomic energy for peaceful purposes. The lefties go kablooey. Atomic power is evil, they say. Radiation, explosions, meltdown, The China Syndrome. It doesn't matter that oil-caused air pollution kills more people than ever lived near Chernobyl. Atomic power is bad.
Atom power projects die. Oil grows scarce. Oil spills ruin Alaska. Burning fossil fuels deplete the ozone. The modern Luddites are happy. Atoms for peace is deader than the bomb.
Lately we have a new peaceful atom. Here's the picture: Swarthy people pick and dry spices. Apples, apricots and other fruits also fall from these foreign hands into large baskets. The baskets, marked for export to the U.S., first go to the gas chamber. Like Jews, the stuff is swept into large air-tight compartments and poisoned. The gas penetrates the food and spices, killing bacteria and leaving a residue behind. You're eating that residue right now.
It used to be the only way to insure purity. What if there were a way to kill bacteria without leaving a residue? Suppose something could pass through the food and leave it untouched. It would just kill germs. There is such a method. It's called irradiation. Similar to x-rays, we can exposed food to radiation, kill the bacteria, and preserve the food. No gas. No chemicals. No radiation remains in the food.
Wonderful idea, right? Since this process needs a source of radiation (just like dental x-rays need a source or radiation), this might also help provide a solution for radioactive waste. Recycle it into something useful.
But no! Nineties Luddites back away from the word "radiation" like a vampire from a cross. Their arguments range from the absurd to the more absurd.
"Even though the food isn't radioactive, the radiation might change the cells" they say. As if gassing or even eating doesn't change food's cells.
"If we find a use for radioactive waste, then they'll have an excuse to build atomic power plants." They say. As if finding a solution to radioactive waste were a problem, rather than a solution.
So far, technophobia is only a nuisance, and not a danger. But what if there were a method of curing diseases that've plagued humanity since Adam? What if we could change the food supply so corn could grow in the desert-- and feed everyone? What if we could have chickens that laid lots of eggs without having to be cooped up in tiny boxes with their beaks trimmed?
The potential to do all that, and more, is here. It's called genetic engineering, and the technophobes want it stopped. With arguments reminiscent of if God wanted us to fly, he'd have given us wings, Nineties' Luddites try to put the kibosh on the greatest potential good since the transistor. Why? It's wrong to invent new life forms?
Does God has a monopoly? She invents new life forms all the time: Babies with two heads or a new strain of tuberculosis. We call them mutations and most of 'em are bad. What's wrong with making good ones?
People say that genetic engineering will allow folks to choose what their kids are like. It'll eliminate chance and lead to conformity.
Pretty retard school thinking, that is. Why would everybody would want the same kind of kids? Maybe most parents wouldn't choose offspring with flippers and dumbo ears. But I bet there'd be a fuck of a lot of variation. Do you think I want my kids to be like Tipper Gore's?
Also, what make you think that kids are just a result of their genes? That doesn't sound very lefty to me. What about the environment? The upbringing? Nutrition? Scores of other variables beside the double helix? Splice out that Ty-Sachs disease-- and the big nose-- from the Jew chromosome. I bet we'd still be as pushy.
So Mr. & Ms. Luddite, lighten up! Enjoy your TV, VCR, Gameboy, and bank card. Politics, religion, and art are all going back to the past. Only science and technology move forward. Get out of the way.
ENDNOTES:
--> Now that everybody has a computer and bootleg Pagemaker, there are more newsletters, than unused condoms in my wallet. Most of 'em are worth about as much. Among the latest, is a dorky made-for-the-exec one. I forgot what it's called. It's supposed to provide "leadership inspiration" for your workers. What a scam! I got the free sample, though. Then cancelled. It wasn't completely worthless. They had one quotable sentence: Rules are made when brains run out.
--> Speaking of rules, the Democratic Convention wormed its way into the Big Apple. Outside, the Demagogic Convention marched in protest. The anti-convention marchers on the street had more rules than the Democrats inside. One group, "United For Aids Action" handed out approved "Chants for UAA March." Worried that some people might chant wrong ideas, the UAA gave out a list of what they allowed you to say. They divided the list into 6 sections, "General Chants," "Leadership," "Aids/Healthcare," "Research," "Education," and "Discrimination." My faves include "Lovers protected will never get infected" (from the Education section) and "AIDS is a disaster! Women die faster!" (from the Discrimination section). The worst one (it doesn't even rhyme) was "Women get AIDS! Expand the definition!"
--> Speaking of women and AIDS, here's: I'm right part 1.
The New York City Dept. of Health (125 Worth St, NYC 10013) just published a leaflet called "Women and AIDS." Here is a quote from the section How is AIDS spread to women?
"No woman is known to have gotten the virus by having sex with another woman."
So, like I told you months ago: keep a condom for screwing with the boys, but throw away those goddamn dental dams!!!
--> Humor in fear dept: Along with the dental dam companies, the rest of America Inc. tries to cash in on AIDS fear. The newest scam comes from the Tedco Marketing Company. What do they sell? "Personal Dental Instruments." You don't wanna get AIDS from your dentist or his other patients? Bring your own dental tools. Your rubber-gloved dentist won't used them on anyone else but you. This line of dental equipment is called "Zero Risk."
--> I'm right part 2: Remember when I wrote about the myth of HIV? I said that although it often occurs with AIDS, there is no evidence that it CAUSES AIDS. Most HIV+ people will never get AIDS. The stress of believing that HIV causes AIDS, however, sometimes weakens them enough to bring it on. That's why I advised against getting HIV tested.
Now, researchers look for ANOTHER virus. Too many people develop AIDS although they test negative for HIV. (They must've been reading my column.) Instead of looking for a combination of causes that might create the disease, imbeciles run around looking for another virus IN ADDITION to HIV. They never stop to think that HIV might not be a cause at all, but a symptom. I guess that's not an approved protest chant.
--> Speaking of protests, Greta tells me that the Riot Grrl protest in DC had this sign: "Get your fist out of my cunt!" Is it anti-lesbo? Anti S&M? Just stupid? Doesn't the sign writer know that some folks LIKE to have fists in their cunts? You be the judge.
--> Speaking of sex, I promised Orianda that I'd write an entire column without mentioning masturbation. It won't be this one. Thanks to Adam for sending me his story about his very first time. I remember mine. I was eleven and I thought I invented it. I used two hands, like a boyscout lighting a fire with a round stick in a hole. Someone had to show me the one-handed method. It's much easier to turn pages, or use a remote control.
--> Having nothing to do with masturbation, the most profound comments on the LA riots are by Drive-In expert, Joe Bob Briggs. In the July 13 issue of his newsletter "We Are The Weird." ($3 PO Box 2002, Dallas TX 75221) Bob agrees with me that the King-bashing cops should NOT be tried again. Double jeopardy is, and should be, unconstitutional. But he takes it a step further. He suggests breaking the trial-jail-riot-arrest-trial-jail cycle and substitute mercy-- for everybody. The cops, the rioters, everybody. Let 'em off. Close the case. The end. General amnesty. Set an example where we don't always look for revenge, but instead for peace. Way to go Joe Bob!
In his column, Bob also mentioned the disturbing fact that the ACLU, usually correct, supports double jeopardy trials in civil rights cases. Shame! Shame!
--> It was great to see the magnificent Huasipungo on an MRR cover a couple of issues ago. I just wish they wudda left on the top of Big Mike's head.
The band played at a reggae lounge here recently. Although it wasn't their live's highpoint, they were still better than most any other band around. See 'em, they shake the walls.
Anecdotally, ARTLESS let the 'pungos use our $32.50-a-night rehearsal space while we were on tour. We already paid for the time and didn't want it to go to waste. Since they were minus a bass player, we told Huasi & co. to pay us whatever they thought
was fair. I suggested half what they'd normally pay. They rehearsed three times. We paid more than sixty dollars for that time. And they paid us back, too: Three dollars.
Ah well, they're still my favorite local band. When you deal with them, just make sure you spell out all details-- in writing.
--> Sick & Tired dept: I'm fed up with the continuing repercussions of Ben Weasel's April Fool version of my column. As I write this, I'm in the process of finding out if a guy in Scotland really did make 400 FREE MYKEL BOARD t-shirts. If so, I won't let him be fucked over in my name-- even though I wasn't responsible. If I could afford it, I'd buy the shirts myself. I convinced Tim to let him have a free ad to try to sell 'em. Actually, I think Ben should buy 'em all.
The worst attack, however, was a completely sleazebag editorial in a usually decent zine called NO LONGER SILENT. (c/o Eliza Blackweb, PO Box 3582, Tucson AZ 86722. Don't you dare send her money for postage!) Editrix Eliza attacks me for what I did to the poor child at the airport. This despite her knowledge that my column was a fake. Then, she uses the story to invent a bigger plot by me and the anarchist mainstream. As if I represent the pinnacle of modern anarchist thought.
Remember when I wrote about an awful American I met in Japan? As an illustration of his crass stupidity, I quoted him as saying "Having a Japanese girlfriend is like having a pet you can fuck." With the journalistic integrity of Geraldo Rivera, Eliza takes this quote out of context and uses it as an example of my attitude toward women.
I'm getting tired of talking about this in every interview and having to answer for it every time I turn around. It's lucky I wasn't (so far) physically assaulted for it. Let's get this straight. I've never had sex with a pre-pubescent-- even when I WAS a pre-pubescent. I'm not pro-sex with kids, I'm pro-choice.
--> As long as I'm getting fucked over because of this column, I might as well get something for it. Some publications SECRETLY trade space for favors. A Cleveland zine sells its cover picture to record companies. I'm open about it. I'll tell you who blows me for a mention.
I just got a nice sick catalog from S/M Graphics (PO Box 10701, Bradenton FL 34282-0701). They make t-shirts including "Baby In A Blender" and Ed Gein. Send 'em a buck for the catalog. For mentioning them, they're gonna send me the S. Clay Wilson (my favorite underground artist-- and he's old!) t-shirt "Crank Maggots."
I already got my bonus from the folks at Rigomor Press (11012 Ventura Blvd (365), Studio City CA 91604). They sent me a pack of THE WORLD'S MOST HATED PEOPLE collector's cards. Some of the targets, like Satan, are a little on the easy side. But, number three on the list is TIPPER GORE, perfect in this election year. Buy a set of cards and Rock what vote?
--> Speaking of t-shirts, Special thanks to Bob Conrad for the funny prank phonecall cassette and the FUCK ME, I'M MYKEL BOARD t-shirt. Bob said he made a bunch of these shirts. I sure-as-semen want to know who ELSE is wearing one.
Bob also sent me a few of his many zines. One, SECOND GUESS, has an interview with me. Another is called Riot Boy and you can imagne what that's like. Yet another, PSYCHIATRIC PETTING ZOO, reprints an article about a hilarious prank at the University of Reno. A 200 pound purple box appeared on campus and started saying FUCK! in a hug echoey voice. Police came to dismantle the anti-censorship machine, but they never found the perpetrators. (How's that for a copword?) If you want to get some of the stuff Bob writes, send him a couple of dollars. Bob Conrad, PO Box 9382, Reno, NV 89507
--> Tooting my own horn dept: Speaking of prank phonecalls, you can get a free John Trubee prank phonecall cassette with the latest issue of NOTHING BUT RECORD REVIEWS. It's available for $3 cash from me. As usual you can send money, or fan mail (more videos!) to me, c/o SEIDBOARD WORLD ENTERPRISES, PO BOX 137, PRINCE STREET STA, NEW YORK NY 10012.
--> More irresponsible zines dept: this also from one that's usually reliable. (Though they don't like Huasipungo as much as they should.) The regular editor of RADIO RIOT (2 29cent stamps to: Radio Riot, WRSU, 126 College Ave, New Brunswick NJ 08903) lets a girl guest-edit half the zine.
She writes: "certain things stick out too far to be ignored like... peace punks who preach veganism but still drink beer. Enzymes from cow's guts are used to cure beer."
Right there in black and white. An original lie? Or a repetition of a lie heard elsewhere? You be the judge. Anybody with a fifth grade education knows you don't "cure" beer. You cure cheese. You cure sick people, but not beer. Beer purists know that beer is only water, hops, and malted barley. You can't use anything else at any time during the making. In South Germany additives are against the law.
In the US, some companies (like Budweiser) add rice or corn to the barley. Other companies use chemical additives such as foam enhancers to give a richer head. Nobody except Ed Gein would add cow guts enzymes!! While the authoress wrote this to show the hypocrisy of vegetarian peace punks, (a worthy cause), she was repeating a malicious anti-alcohol story without checking it.
Do straight edge vegans spread this anti-alcohol propaganda with malice or ignorance? How do they justify a promulgating a complete lie. I forgot, it's all right to lie for the greater good, isn't it? Just ask Eliza from NO LONGER SILENT, she'll tell ya.
--> Special thanks to Rita/Estelle for an especially juicy letter. But I can't figure out if I'm a "cavalier" or a "roundhead." I think I'm a cavalier, but you'll have to tell me when you see it.
Anyway, that's one letter I wish I had on video. But those Brits use the PAL system, so it wouldn't translate. Ah well, send Polaroids. (Does anyone have Polaroid cameras anymore? They didn't call their cheapest brand "The Swinger" for nothing, you know.)
--> Speaking of sex and roundheads, here's I'm right part 3: Remember when I wrote about a new concept of rape that didn't involve force? I told you that huckster psychologists make their money by telling people that all their problems are caused by "rape" or "molestation." It's unconscious. They didn't know it while it was happening. Discovering hidden rape cases is a new growth industry.
While researching another topic in the New York Times (5/28/91), I came across this quote about women who feel guilt.
"The women described periods of self-doubt and guilt before deciding usually guided by counselors that a rape had occurred."
Can you imagine getting raped and not knowing it until someone else, who wasn't there, tells you. You don't trust your own experience, just the expert. Eeek! I'm moving to Thailand.
--> More zine news: In the mail comes this thing called THE FRONT LINE. It's from an organization pushing for increased NEA artist funding. I'm about ready to chuck it, when I open it. It's issue no 1 of SCAM magazine (215 E. 4th Terrace, Dania FL 33004)/ They ripped the cover off some non-profit crap and used it for its post-paid stamp. Pretty smart! If you want a copy for yourself, you've got to send at least a dollar. I guess Elmers glued stamps are ok, but they better be in good shape.
--> Just when I thought I got everything in the mail dept: Canadian Grant Horwood was annoyed at my writing that wearing boxer briefs was akin to voting for Reagan. (Both conservative, anti-sex). He wrote to defend his boxers. He accused me of creating an anti-boxer atmosphere. I made him subject to ridicule whenever he drops his pants. To remedy that, he sent me a pair of his own boxer shorts to "customize" for him and return. I cut the crotch out and sent 'em back. It's the only way to make those uglies in the least bit sexy.
--> Discretion vs. valor dept.: I got a letter from Germ (aka James Owens, #18218, Utah State Prison, OQ3, PO Box 250, Draper UT 84020). He's in jail for blowing up a police car. As if that weren't enough, Germ also told the judge he "boned his (the judge's) wife with an extra-large dildo."
As you might guess, Germ is gonna be in the clink for awhile and needs mail. Write to him and remember, there are times to be a smart-ass and there are other times to "Yes sir, anything you say sir. Kiss what? Of course, sir."
Loosing integrity is loosing your freedom for a short time. Going to jail is a much bigger commitment.
--> Need more arguments why major labels suck harder than my vacuum cleaner? The threatened boycott of Time-Warner first had the company defending the Ice T's freedom of speech. That didn't last long. They're taking the offensive song, off the record. It won't be on any future pressings. Instant collectors items anyone?
There's more. According to New York Magazine, during a Time-Warner shareholders' meeting, several stockholders requested that board of trustees candidates voice their views on the Ice-T issue. T-W president, Gerald Levin, wouldn't allow it.
Levin also banned cameras from the public event. That led to protests from television crews, who were forbidden to bring in their equipment. But what kind of advance did they get?
--> Just because I hate Christianity, doesn't mean I'm against all Christians. Sometimes, they can even be right. Example: "Reason, Compassion and the Drug War: A Statement by Religious Men and Women." The Religious Coalition for A Moral Drug Policy (3421 M St. NW, Suite 351, Washington DC 20007) distributes this paper. It's strongly anti-prohibitionist and well argued. It's perfect for fighting with parents and teachers. Send 'em a couple dollars for info.
-->Steve Beaumont (remember him?) sent me some clippings from Canadian newspapers. They're about girls who want the right to go topless, just like men. New York State now allows women to do just that, except when it's done in a sexual way. Weird, huh? Feminists, by the way, support THAT double standard. It's ok for men to go topless in a sexual way, but not women.
Steve also sent me a clipping about a transsexual who was turned away from the Michigan's Womyn's Music Festival, because they admit only "women born women." What was that Hitler said about Jews who converted to Christianity?
--> I might've already told you about this. Former MRRer Jerod Pore is doing an electronic Factsheet Five. If you've got a computer with access to Internet, you can contact him at Jerod23@WELL.sf.ca.us. Ask him to put you on the list. The files are big, though. You might want to e-mail him for his address. Then send him a couple dollars and an envelope for a printout.
--> Brian in Buffalo NY is doing a video compilation and needs bands. Send VHS tapes to him at 619 Elmwood Ave (2), Buffalo NY 14222. I was gonna send him a very special videotape I did with just one other person. I thought better of it. That's something YOU'LL never get to see.
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