YOU'RE WRONG
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
Make a fist with your right hand. Stick out the thumb. Insert it into your right nostril. Keeping your thumb in your nose, extend the index finger on that same hand. Lay it against the outside of your nose, on the same side as the thumb. Gently pinch the noseskin on that side. Hold your fingers rigid and slide your thumb out of your nose. Look at the distance between your thumb and index finger. That's how close I came to voting for George Bush this election.
So Clinton's gonna be the Dem choice. OK, the guy smokes pot, plays the sax and fucks around. He's got his faults, I thought, but I'll vote for him. Then he picks Al Gore as his running mate.
The earth shakes. The roof caves in. My balls drop. There's the pussy whipped symbol of everything I hate. Mr. Tipper Gore, a heartbeat away from The Whitehouse. The Democrats jump on the bandwagon that runs helter skelter over The Bill Of Rights. How many people are in jail because of Tipper? How many stores are closed, bankruptcies filed, lives ruined because of that woman? I'd rather have four more years of Bush! Almost.
I won't vote for Bush. The CIA man is just too evil, too right-wing lackey. No matter what I think of Gore, I can't bring myself to pull a lever next to Bush's name. But-- sure as a TWO LIVE CREW-- I'm not voting for the man who sucks the twat of Tipper Gore.
On Election Day, I'll sit with a twenty pound bag of salt. Every rock'n'roller, every self-proclaimed civil libertarian, every person who gives a shit about the first amendment-- I'll ask 'em who they voted for. When I get a "Clinton-Gore, the lesser of two evils," I'll sprinkle them with salt and watch 'em dissolve on the sidewalk. One less traitor to rock the vote.
Maybe I'm being unfair to slugs. A slug would never vote for a salt manufacturer. Clinton-Gore voters-- especially anyone who loves free speech-- are lower than slugs.
I know the arguments. They're the same ones I've heard for the past twelve years. The Supreme Court, ecology, world peace, blah, blah, blah. But Bush can only be president four more years. Certainly, they're not grooming Dan Quayle for the office. We could have Al Gore for sixteen years; eight as vice, eight as pres! Is this a dynasty you want to begin?
But he's good on the environment!
The British sixties anarchists had a poster that read, I refuse to exchange a world where people die of hunger for one where people die of boredom. To put it in Clinton/Gore terms: I refuse to exchange a polluted x-rated world for a clean PG one.
I don't have to go on about Tipper Gore. You know how evil she is. You know the pain and incarceration she caused. Al Gore has never said anything to distance himself from his wife. He has never publicly disagreed with her or taken a strong stance against censorship. Any of these actions might mitigate her evil influence. Until that happens, we have to assume the two of them agree. The papers have printed how alike Bill Clinton and Al Gore are. Until they say something different, that's all we have to go on.
But other evils lurk in the wings. Analysts of Clinton's acceptance speech called it "One of the finest Republican speeches a Democrat has ever made."
Did you catch the line about providing affordable health care for families? Yeah, he mentioned "gay" once and AIDS once, too. But in a family context. Those outside of families, those alone, those living in shifting groups, we're left out of Clinton's vision. A vote for Clinton is a vote for your parents, and their values. Bush and Clinton kiss the kids, pet the dog and promise family values. Are your values family values?
What can you do? The myth that there are only two choices is so pervasive, that like Hitler's Big Lie, it makes itself true. Let's get this straight, there are more than two parties in this election. At times throughout our history minor parties have become major ones. Both the Republican and the Democratic party were, at one time, minor parties.
Minor parties often show the way for major party. The Conservative Party-- and the Right To Life party-- both influence the Republicans. I'll probably vote Libertarian, though I hate their economics. In the past, my vote has helped them rise to the country's third largest party. What has your vote done?
Another alternative is not voting at all. Somehow this choice has come to be a media badguy. Both parties decry "voter apathy."
It's not voter apathy, buckaroos, it's voter disgust! Right now, the Republicrats scurry around trying to appeal to non-voters. If they can get a good chunk of the fuck-you vote, they win. The U.S. has the lowest voter turn-out of anywhere! What does that say about our faith in our political system? How much faith do you have in our political system? Not voting is a sure-as-shit way of expressing that lack of faith.
You know not voting is dangerous and subversive when you see both parties urging people to vote. You even see dumb MTVers ROCK THE VOTE. MRR columnists, who should know better, beg you to get out and vote. As if pulling a lever legitimizes your political voice. If anything, it makes it less legitimate.
"Why are you out throwing bottles at cops?"
"I hate them. They beat up Negroes and won't let me drink."
"Did you vote?"
"Sure, I voted."
"Well then, you had your opportunity to express yourself through regular channels. You made your views known when you pulled that lever. How can you fight against something you willingly participate in? The majority rules, and you lost."
Even if your candidate wins, you're fucked. You know The Gore Bill to make obscene lyrics punishable by castration? You voted for Gore. You gave your approval. Get it?
It's probably illegal to suggest voting with a tube of Crazy Glue, so I won't. (Besides, that'd only work in states like New York where they have metal voting machines.) Still, most any other ballot action is buying into the decision of "the majority." Are you sure you want to do that?
There was a letter in MRR urging people to vote for anybody, Frank Zappa, Larry Livermore, me! What is this, High School social studies? Do you think voting is some kind of precious possession? Maybe it's a contraption, like a car, that goes bad if you don't run it around the block occasionally. What is so valuable about voting?
In a system of proportional representation, like the Israeli or German system, delegates come from parties based on a percentage of votes. If a party gets 5% of the vote, then 5% of the parliament members come from that party. The number of voters with no representation is very low. In this country, where winner-takes-all, 49% of the voters go unrepresented. Minorities don't count. Not voting is a strong statement saying you refuse to buy into such a system. I respect the intelligent non-voter loads more than the lesser-of two-evilists.
Drug advocate William Buckley once wrote, Take away my right to vote, I don't care. Just don't tell me where to spend my money. He knows where the power is.
Both not voting and third party voting carry an extra bonus. You become part of a silent majority. You become part of a group that both parties have to capture to insure a win. The reason the Democrats can sound like Republicans is that they're already sure that dumkopfs like you and Larry Livermore will vote for them-- no matter what. They can freely move to the right, advocate concentration camps for drug users, and jail for rock'n'rollers. They can talk about family values. Although you squirm, the Dems know you'll vote for them.
Third party voting-- or not voting-- makes them squirm. It makes them stop and think --hmmm, maybe we should say "gay" and "aids" in our speeches-- to make sure the homos vote.
What about those of us who love music-- and freedom of speech? Al Gore's nomination insults us. Because of his views on non-censorship issues, he's more dangerous than Jesse Helms. Jess has trouble with his bills. Other senators write him off as a right-wing flake. But they'll think baby boomer Gore represents the middle of the road. Where does that leave us? Square in front of an on-coming truck, if you ask me.
ENDNOTES
--> I have qualms about pulling mail pranks on individuals. It's kind of like stealing from mom & pop candy stores. It's real easy, but immoral. It makes folks feel bad, or hurts them in other ways, just for doing their business. They're not hurting anyone else. But big corporations, or evil PACs, that's another story.
Right-wing Christians own Blockbuster Video. They won't carry X or NC-17 movies. They move next to mom & pop video stores and put them out of business. They're evil and you should never rent from them.
So I go into Blockbuster's. The clerk is a prissy young man who looks like he was born into his necktie.
"Where do you keep the snuff films?" I ask.
"Huh?"
"Snuff films, you know where people have sex and then someone gets dismembered... in real life... right on camera." "I'm sorry, sir. But we don't have any films like that." Usually, I hate being called "sir," but this time I like it.
"You used to have them," I persist, "they were right next to the kiddie porn."
"Are you sure you have the right store?"
I nod. "Sure, I'm sure. I'm looking for 'Debbie Does Death' and 'Behind the Green Hacksaw. I saw them yesterday, by the movies about girls and horses."
Sweat beads between the acne pimples on his forehead. He excuses himself and goes for the manager. I leave the store. It was cheap entertainment, though.
--> Speaking of pranks, The pro-CIA groups I've written about has changed its name. It still junk mails though, with business reply envelopes. The last one, I returned filled with dirt. To get one of your own, write to PROJECT NATIONAL SECURITY, Attn: Charles S. Via, The Conservative Resource Center, PO Box 6536, Arlington VA 22206-9908.
--> Further on the prank side-- or not dept: Kevin Ian Swift of Medway Mass sent me a great letter. Yet, the times are so paranoid, I've got to distrust it. Kevin says he's a 14 year old bi-sexual. He described that in detail. He wrote to me asking me to send him some sexually explicit stuff. In a decent society, that would be a normal request. I've often said that kids are sexual beings and a fourteen year old is really no kid anyway. (Jews celebrate their bar Mitzvahs on their 13th birthday. "Today I am a man." we say.)
It could be a prank. Worse, it could be a set up. I can imagine the cops, FBI, or the Gore-patrol just waiting for my letter. I sent a celebately clean reply, including what you're reading now. It's a sad society that breeds fear of answering an eager letter. It's a sad society.
--> Ed Hunter writes to tell me that Marvel Comics wasn't the first to have a homo character in it. D.C.'s "Pied Piper" told THE FLASH that he was gay in earlier times. I haven't read either one, but Ed says "they're both dumber than most." Ed is in a band called POUNDED CLOWN. I haven't heard the music yet, but at least there's no "Social," "Box," or "Jesus/Christ" in the name, so many they're different.
--> So you want to vote for Gore (& Clinton) dept: On May 15 GWAR played in Athens, Georgia. The police closed down the club on the basis of an ordinance that prohibits any seller of alcohol "from having persons appear in attire that exposes genitalia or any simulation thereof."
GWAR and the ACLU are fighting back, trying score bucks off the cops. This is not an extension of George Bush or Jesse Helms. They had nothing to do with music until you-know-who's-wife started the whole shebang. You ain't seen nothing yet. If (when?) this crew moves to D.C., this'll be like a pinprick compared to the musical bloodbath to follow.
--> Best Kafka-esque scam dept: In the past, when you didn't like what was going on with a firm-- if you felt cheated or abused-- you'd call The Better Business Bureau to complain. No more-- at least not in New York. The Better Business Bureau is now a 1-900 number and you've got to pay 95 cents a minute to complain. Incredible, huh?
--> Another hard-on band with a limp name dept: I just saw VOICE OF REASON at ABC NO RIO. Wow! They could be Japanese, those guys. So much power, speed and noise, crammed into a package tighter than a Thai boy's butt. Their lyrics are unintelligible-- the usual at ABC-- but their musical force will grow hair on your palms-- that's for sure.
--> Speaking of bands...Just when I promised to stop liking all bands with "Jesus" or "Christ" in the name, along comes "Vaginal Jesus" on Beasticor Records out of Chicago. The cover picture is worth the record itself. I haven't even listened to it and I love it. First cut: Jesus was Nothing But a Jew. How's that for taking inherent Christian intolerance and turning it in on itself. On white vinyl with swastikas on both sides. (Includes: Special Fuck you to "Tim Yohymie") This is PSYCHODRAMA one upped. I bet there are folks who think these guys are real Nazis. Well, there's one born every minute....
--> The Joe Bob Briggs did it again dept: In the newest issue of WE ARE THE WEIRD ($3, from Joe Bob Briggs, PO Box 2002, Dallas TX 75221), He's got a stupendous analysis of the Ku Klux Klan and the media. He points out that the Klan is actually tiny-- around 300 people nationwide. The only reason they demonstrate is to attract the media. Here's his scorecard:
1. Headlines "Racist Rally Scheduled--City Officials Say NO":
Klan gets 10 new members.
2. Counter demonstration: Klan gets 20 new members
3. An act of violence against the Klan, while they act
peacefully: Klan gets 40 new members.
4. An act of violence against a cop defending the Klan's right
to speak: Klan gets 50 new members.
5. NY Times shows up: Klan gets 200 new members
6. Ted Koppel or Geraldo Rivera does a TV show: the membership
list goes off the scale.
Interesting numbers, those. Of course that means that the JOHN BROWN ANTI-KLAN Committee is the best Klan recruiting organization in the country. What else is new?
--> Thanks to Bloody Mess, I guess. He didn't sign his letter, but who else lives in Peoria? He sent me a tip on how to keep from coming for twenty minutes when jerking off. I'll try it when I have more time. He also sent me a stroking oriental porn-vid. I love those vids!
--> Jeff Steiner (Box 310, Maho Bay Camp, St. John, US Virgin Islands 00830) wrote to me saying he was lonely and isolated, living in a tent in the Virgin Islands. Sounds to me like if you're gonna be living in a tent on an island, you'd better have lots of reading material. Anyway, Jeff is looking for folks to write him to relieve the boredom. The message is passed.
--> Thanks to Eugene Dufrat who sent me a whole bunch of his drawings. My fave is the girl and the horse.
--> Most homos really had a good time watching My Own Private Idaho cause of the homo characters. I didn't see it, so I don't know if they were homo goodguys or badguys. In a comicly dumb marketing ploy, the box picture on the home video shows the two stars, River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves, each with a woman. They must've figured the homos already knew what to get, and the box was a hook for the hets. Will anyone fall for that? While there are plenty of queer ugs, there are NO attractive straight people. Doesn't everyone know that?
--> Is this a compliment? Dept: I got a thank you letter for my "inspiration" from PSYCHOPATHIC JOURNAL (Hagenbacherstr. 27, 6729 Woerth, GERMANY). They publish art, stories, clippings etc about "Mental Freaks... who define themselves by sick talk and/or bizarre fictions and entertain the public in a cheap way." They're looking for contributors.
--> ARTLESS had fun on our mini-tour of Baltimore & DC. Special thanks to Matt in Balto for setting up the show. Still, I was pissed that my "guarantee" chickened out and went to see HELLRAISER instead of experiencing my pleasures! Thanks also to Mark in DC, John Stabb (now of TEEN PSYCHO BOOTY) for singing his G.I. hit with us-- and Ian M for showing up. And a big wet ARTLESS kiss to THE RIOT GRRRLS who refused to discuss the show to our faces, but said some nasty things behind our backs.
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