YOU'RE WRONG 

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

This being the December issue, I thought I'd do something Christmassy. Here's a letter I'll share with you. It comes from Virginia Vorhaut in Bloomington Indiana.

Please answer my letter. I don't care if you print it. My friends read Sassy not MRR. They won't see it. But I need an answer.

Dear Virginia,

Thanks for your letter. You've asked a good question. It's one that a whole lot of people should ask, but don't. It'll take some time to answer it, though. Have a seat. Loosen your pleated skirt. Put your feet up on mom's couch and read on.

Santa Claus tells you it's bad to play with your body. He wants to sew up your cunt and your mouth. Then he makes you thank him for doing it. Santa wants you to think that people who make you feel good are bad people. Teachers, parents, school monitors, cops, anarcho-rule makers... people who make you feel bad, says Santa, are good people.

Santa warps the truth of little kids discovering their sexuality-- and enjoying it. Once they experience the pleasure, they can't get enough of it. This natural desire, Santa calls "abuse sexualization." To Santa, the desire for sex is proof that it's bad. It doesn't make sense, you say. What? Don't you believe in Santa? Everybody does!

Santa is the feminists who trust murderer Ted Bundy when he says pornography drove him to kill. Three thousand miles north, murderer Mark Lepin says it was feminists who drove him to kill. Santa says Mark's a liar.

Let me tell you some more about Santa. He tells you you're a victim. What you do is never your own fault. You have no control over your actions. You're a helpless waif being pushed back and forth by genes, male dominated society, or an ever-increasing plethora of diseases.

If you drink, gamble, work, even love-- those aren't your choices, says Santa. You're sick. You've got a disease. You can't be cured, but you can recover. Before you recover, you have to admit you're helpless. You have no control. You're a leaf in the wind.

Depressed or guilty? It's not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. THEY made you feel this way. Men, white people, heteros. THEY're the cause of your problems. You had nothing to do with it.

Santa wants to take your body away from you. He tells you that cell growth inside your body is "a baby." You have no right to get rid of it. It's NOT your body, he says. Want to expose yourself? Be naked? Have sex? You can't do it in public. You can't do it in a photo, in a magazine. It's NOT your body, say the femino-Santas. It's OUR body-- for OURSELVES-- and you have no right to it.

Did you drink too much last night? Did you get up this morning, roll over in bed and look at the guy next to you? Did you think, "Oh shit, I can't believed I fucked that geek?" Santa says it's no problem.

It's DATE RAPE. Sure, Virginia, just scream. You didn't want to do it. He got you drunk. You didn't have the choice. He raped you. You could never screw a nerd like that. Send him to jail. Off with his head. Santa said so.

Are you frigid? Your parents abused you. Homo? A small penal gland. Shy? A neglected childhood. It isn't your fault. It never is. Just ask Santa.

Want to see how really evil is this Santa-lie? He takes all your control, all your power. Then, when you're helpless, he drops it in your mouth. America has a higher percentage of non-smokers than any other Western country-- and most Asian countries. It has more tea-totalers than any non-Moslem country. It also has the highest cancer rate and second highest heart attack rate IN THE WORLD. It's obvious that something besides smoking and drinking is killing us. What does Santa say?

Santa says if you get sick IT'S YOUR FAULT. Santa says you smoke and you drink. If you get cancer or a heart attack, YOU DID IT. It doesn't matter that we have more food additives and preservatives than other countries. It doesn't matter that the air and water is dripping with chemicals that take the paint off your walls. Nosireebob! If you get sick, it's cigarettes or booze! Doesn't make sense, you say. Come on, Virginia, it's Santa Clause, you GOTTA believe.

See, Santa twists and turns the truth. Then he puts the pretzel back and says it's a straight line. You believe him, Virginia. We all do. Can you imagine a system where two sets of rich folks buy TV commercials? Each says the other is lying. Otherwise, they don't say very much. One day a year, they let you mark down which one you would less hate to have making your decisions for you. After insulting you with meaningless nonsense and asking you for money, they then tell you it's your duty to choose between them. Your duty, Virginia. If you don't vote, you don't count, Virginia. You want to count, don't you?

Want to know more, Virginia? Imagine a place where some people pay other people to dig holes. Nobody likes digging holes, but they have to. If they don't dig, they can't eat. Make it worse: not only do people dig holes, but their shovels are coated with poison. As they dig, they poison the dirt they're digging in. The dirt they take out of the holes, splashes the diggers and the surrounding ground, poisoning that too.

A new group of people come and say, there's too much poison. They suggest paying other people, using other poisoned shovels, to take the dirt that was dug out of the holes and use it to fill them up again. Does that make sense, Virginia?

Ask Santa! He'll explain. He'll tell you it's good. He'll tell you that digging holes is good. (He calls it work or having a job.) It's better to dig holes than to sit at home and read books. He'll tell you that it doesn't matter how much poison dirt gets spread around. (He calls it pollution.) Because, he can always pay people to put some of that dirt back in the holes. (Recycling) Instead of not digging the holes in the first place, Santa makes you believe it's better to dig them and then fill them up.

How much air pollution comes from trucks picking up and delivering recycling materials? How much ozone and sulfur dioxide is generated by plants re-processing used tuna cans and VCRs? How much mercury is dumped in the water during the bleaching of used boxes for old Pet Rocks? Santa never asks these questions. He won't answer them. Work is good, he tells you. Recycling is the cure for the damage that work does, he says. And you believe him.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But he's not the fat guy with the white beard. He is the collective lies and perversions of The West. Santa Claus exists because you see him. He exists because the church, your parents, the PCers, feminists, TV commercials and news commentators say he exists. He's the lie that becomes the truth because it's repeated so often. He's what everybody believes because that's the way things are-- without questioning, without thinking.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus-- and he wants to hurt you. If you're smart, you'll keep as far away as possible. If you're brave, you'll climb on his lap. You'll take out that carving knife. You'll let the tip slide in, just over his naval. You'll jerk it up, hard, in nice fast little motions until it gets caught on the breast bone. Then you'll pull the skin apart and reach into the warm entrails to pull out his still beating heart. You'll hold it high and proclaim the END of Santa Clause. And you'll start living your own life.

ENDNOTES:

--> A big ARTLESS wet kiss to THE FALSE PROPHETS who got us on the bill at THE CONTINENTAL, lent us their equipment, let us go on second (instead of the last (death) slot), and put up with our complaints. And Stephen, I LIKE the props.

--> Logic of the month dept: PROJECT NATIONAL SECURITY (1020 N. Fairfax St. Ste 402, Alexandria VA 22314) is asking for money to help defend some Iran-Contra folks. They say it's all right to keep information from Congress because "if you're told something CAN'T BE DIVULGED even to Congress-- you know that the order could have come all the way from the president himself." As usual, be sure to write these guys for information-- and always return that business reply envelope.

--> This girl comes up to me in a Falafel place after our DC show. She says she videotaped ARTLESS and told me if I wanted a copy I should write her. In typical senile-Board fashion (see the letters section 2 months ago for details), I lost it. PLEASE send me the tape. As usual, it's: PO Box 137, Prince St. Sta, NYC 10012.

--> Note to all Interneters: I finally got myself an Internet account. If you want to contact me that way, my address is MQB8130@acfcluster.nyu.edu. If you send GIF files, via uuencode, make sure they're BLACK AND WHITE. If you don't understand this, ask Santa for a computer & college education for Chanukah.

--> Irwin Chusid is a pal, a WFMU DJ and a former enemy. He returned my first record-- in pieces! Recently, he gave me the July '92 issue of IMPRIS (c/o Hillsdale College, Hillsdale MI 49242). It's got a great article concerning academic freedom vs PCitude. Writer Charles Sykes reports on how being "sensitive" to others has taken the place of rigorous inquiry and truth-seeking. My favorite section is the report that the University Of Connecticut "has banned inappropriately directed laughter" and Duke University has "appointed a watchdog committee to search out disrespectful facial expressions or body language aimed at black students." The scary part was the comments of a Harvard professor who said, "the pain that racial insensitivity can create is more important than a professor's academic freedom." What about the students'?

--> Wrong Person To Send This To Dept: I got an anonymous note in with a record somebody sen me to review. In typical cowardly fashion, the authors of this note make accusations without taking responsibility. The note is promoting a boycott of everything produced by the bands: GUTTERMOUTH, H.F.L. (HARD FAST AND LOUD), H.I.V. POSITIVE, JEFFERY DOMHERS REVENGE, and POWER ASSAULT. They claim the bands are racist/white power. Any bands cool enough to inspire a cowardly attack like this are cool enough to get my attention. If anyone from these bands reads this, please send me records, CDs or tapes for review. I'll put you on top of the pile. (My address is somewhere above.)

--> Scam Dept: Andy Good from Ephrata PA wrote to me about using an X-acto knife to cut out extra holes in those record store frequent buyer cards. He says that, with a little practice, you can make 'em all look alike. I don't need that one-- I got my own zine. As Timmy knows, that's the BEST way to scam records.

--> G.K.M.S. sent me his zine "Media Blitz." (PO Box 20420, New York NY 10011) It's Situationist-ish, with a perceptive article comparing the LA riots of the 90s to those of the sixties. There's also something about vivisection. My favorite is an article about school where the editor writes: "I have observed that when parents come to school functions they talk while people are talking, don't raise their hand to speak, and walk out of meetings they find boring." G.K.M.S. is fifteen, you see.

--> More scum department: F.A.I.R. (1666 Connecticut Ave NW (400), Washington DC 20009) is a group that blames everything from the US deficit to the social security mess on illegal aliens. They want to make it so everybody has little identity cards with magnetic strips. They say that'll prevent the foreigners from taking our jobs. Sure, that's why they want those cards. It's for our own protection. These guys'll send you an expensive press kit and a business reply envelope if you write 'em. Don't forget to return that envelope!!

--> Another one from jail. This time from 22 year old Paul Kellwood (86048, PO Box 4000, Arizona State Prison, Florence AZ 85232.) He needs some zines and other stuff to stave off the boredom. He says he's really lonely for female companionship. Quite understandable, I'd say. So girls, write to the guy. Guys, send him a zine. Be friendly, or erotic or something. Imagine spending your days cooped up with bars on the windows.

--> If the folks from VAGINAL JESUS have any more records, I need another copy. Mine got stolen!! If you see a review of it in MRR (I bet you didn't send 'em one) you'll know that it came from the vacant spot in my collection!! (Not that I'm accusing anyone...)

--> Annoying, but useful dept: I got a letter from the 1993 March on Washington Committee. (PO Box 34753, Washington DC 20043). It's about a march in the capital scheduled for April 25, 1993. Officially, it's the Lesbian, Gay and Bi Equal Rights And Liberation March. That's a mouthful, but most homos are used to mouthfuls. The letter is black and lavender on white, and sponsored by enough PC organizations to gag a truckload of GG Allins. I hate the "Bi" tacked on at the end. As if Bi's were another poor downtrodden group that need to have special laws for them. It makes me want to go bi-bashing.

When are the bi-folks gonna realize they're NOT a minority. They (we) are EVERYONE. Bi's should not be marching for their freedom. They should be marching for the freedom of the sexually repressed-- homo and hetero-- who refuse to admit their polymorphism.

Still, you'll see me there. Why, if I don't believe in this stuff, would I go to a march where there will be a lot of attractive people of all genders, anxious to express their sexuality? I bet you can figure it out.

--END--

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