YOU'RE WRONG
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
Here's the boy's instruction part (Girls can skip the first three paragraphs): Get a bread knife that's sharp enough to cut paper. You also need a wooden cutting board. Lay them out on the toilet. Then take a hot bath. Soak in the bath until you're completely relaxed. Right now, we're most concerned with your balls. We want them loose-- low hanging. This may take a good quarter hour or more, depending on how cold it is.
Once you're really loose, walk over to the toilet. Grab your balls with the left hand. Hold them between your thumb and index finger, like you're making the OK sign. Pull them as far down as possible. Squat to rest them on the cutting board.
With your right hand, pick up the bread knife. Lay it gently between the outside of your pulling fingers and your penis. Gently slice the knife back and forth, letting the blade do the work. Don't force the knife through the groin skin, but let it's own sharpness and weight guide it through until it completely severs your testicles. Quickly wrap the wound to prevent fatal bleeding. Open the toilet and flush the testes down, you won't be needing them anymore.
OK, here's another scene: It's the first warm spring day. The kids are out of their dorms, lounging on the grass in front of the library. Katherine and her friends are spray painting a new batch of Riot Grrrrl t-shirts. Bob leaves the library and passes the group. He waves.
"Hi Kathy, how ya doing?" He says.
"Whadaya mean Kathy?" shouts the young woman, "I'm Katherine. Kathy is a diminutive, used by the patriarchy to infantalize me."
"I'm sorry," said Bob, "I didn't think..."
"Men never think." says Katherine. "They don't feel either. They just trust what's written in their patriarchal books written by other men for the purpose of oppressing women, sexual minorities and people of color."
By this time Bob is crying. "See," he says, pointing to his tears, "I'm being sensitive. I'm expressing my emotions. I'm feeling."
This makes Katherine angrier. "You think a few tears can wash away millions of years of oppression? You know that a woman is raped every three minutes? You did it! You! And those of your gender. You disgust me."
"Your right," says Bob, "I'm a disgusting human."
Of course, Bob's right. He's a disgusting human for giving up his balls without a fight. He might as well cut them off.
This month I want to talk about balls-- or rather lack of them. Especially, the ballslessness of anarcho-liberal-peacepunk-heteros. (Translator's note#1: When I speak of heteros, of course I mean people who consider themselves hetero. We all know there are no real heteros, don't we?) A few separate events inspired these musings, here they are:
(1) I'm talking with my pal Greta.
"The only aggressive guys left are goons." She complains. "All the smart guys are cowered with fear of harassing and date raping. Anybody with an ounce of compassion is afraid to make the first move. That means either I have to jump on somebody or I have to go out with fucking jerks!"
(2) Through the computer network Internet, I subscribe to a discussion group called Bisexu-List. It's about half boys and half girls. It's more PC than what's in your hand right now. Lots of the girls on the net are tough. They'll insult each other and anyone at the drop of an ESC key. They not only stand up for what they believe in, they take it and shove it up your butt. A quality I admire. The boys? I've never seen a larger collection of humorless whimpering simps outside of Berkeley.
"It's only my opinion." "That's what I think, but you have as much right to your own opinion." "Well, I think.... but of course, I wouldn't know, I'm not a woman."
A major topic of debate is whether or not men can be feminists!! Can you imagine? It's hard enough to understand why a guy would want to be a feminist in the first place. It's like a Negro wanting to get into the Klan! But to be told he can't because he doesn't have a vagina. Yikes! Which is worse? To accept it and say, Yeah, you're right, a guy can't be a feminist or to fight it and say, Hey, I can be whatever I want to be! Let me into a group I know is against me. I don't get it.
(3) Inspired by a teacher of mine in Japan, I've been taking Tai Chi lessons at NYU. Because of student absences, in a recent class, I was the only boy. I wanted to go on and learn new stuff. The girls in the class wanted to spend the whole time reviewing. I went along. I didn't say a word. Me, who thought he had the balls to stand up for his choice, backed down. Why?
Whenever I do something I think is wrong, I try to look at my unconscious. What is my real motive for acting in a certain way? I found it. I wanted to get laid. Even though there was no chance in hell these girls were gonna fuck me. Even though at least one of them had twice my hip span. That was still in the back of my mind. That's why I acted the way I did. That's why I lost my balls.
That's only part of the story. What I want to do this month is look at the whole picture. I want to discuss what it is that's turning "normal" guys into pansies. (Translator's note #2: Pansy is an old term that has many meanings. It meant homosexual, effeminate man and weak-willed person among other things. I'm only using it in the weak-willed sense.)
During the sixties, a Spanish term came into English, macho. It's English connotation was negative. It was a disease that liberals had to struggle against. As feminism took a tighter grip on maledom, the booze got thrown out with the bottle.
There are evil aspects to macho. Bravado, jingoism, possessiveness, superiority-- these are parts of macho that should go down the sewer pits. But macho is more than that. Aspects like courage, loyalty and even courtesy-- all good qualities-- also were shoved up the political correctum. It was no longer noble to stand up for what you believe in. It was no longer right to stand by a friend, when that friend committed a political impropriety.
I stand in an elevator in a big office building. This business suited lady gets in and pushes the button going to the same floor I am. When the door opens, I motion for her to leave first.
"I don't need your condescension," she says.
I don't say, "fuck you." But I should've. I would've held that door for anyone! Male, female or in-between. It's polite. It shows respect. But respect is another casualty of pansification.
Where did it come from? Will it go away? What's the cure? One possible explanation is that power is like gold or oil. There's only so much of it to go around. If some people have more of it, others have less. That would explain why, when feminists-- or females in general-- empower themselves, there's that much less power left for the rest of us. When homo-groups, like ACT-UP, say they're NOT helpless pansies, but are gonna take control of their own lives and destiny-- there's that much less for our lives and destiny. That explanation is wrong.
Power isn't like gold, it's like a muscle. If you exercise it correctly, it'll grow. If you use it, nourish it, take care of it, you'll have more of it. If you don't use it, it'll atrophy. There's no fixed quantity of power.
Power is Voodoo. If you believe in it, it works. If enough people believe in it, it's very strong. Feminists and homos have support groups. They tell themselves of their own power. They preform the voodoo rituals. They say the magic word, empowerment and puff! They got the power.
Guys, on the other hand have an awful lot of voices telling them they have no power. These same voices tell women and homos the same thing, but for guys, there's no compensating voodoo.
My Christmas column was so rich in brilliant ideas that I could expand every sentence into a full-fledged column. Ever one to wallow in his own genius, I'm gonna take a few lines from that one, and blow 'em up here. Remember when I wrote about how armies of twelve steppers tell drinkers, gamblers, eaters,and their friends that they're helpless against their diseases? It's the slave mentality. It's people convinced that even though they have more total power, their masters are stronger. What white liberal do you know who isn't in some twelve step or other?
Part of the strategy of helplessness, is to make everything a disease. A disease isn't something you do, it's something you have. I've debated whether to tell you this. It's embarrassing. But it so well illustrates the point, that I'll do it and suffer the inevitable teasing.
I'm not the most coordinated person in the world. I can't get my body parts to move together. I can never tell my right from my left. I mix up b's and d's. If you read me a phone number chances are fifty-fifty I'll get it wrong. If you've ever had the misfortune of driving with me, you'll know that I turn into on-coming vehicles, rather than away from them. I'm not a great person to be on the road with. [I'll say! --TY]
Twice a week, I go to an aerobics class. I'm the only boy in the class. One girl is my age, the rest, including the teacher, from fifteen to twenty years younger. My aerobics teacher gets mad because I can't do the simplest steps. She's annoyed that my left leg and my left hand don't go up at the same time. She's pissed off that I turn clockwise when she says counterclockwise. It bothers her that every time she yells "Step-kick!" I Kick-step. Sometimes she stops and walks over to where I'm doing my spazzy disco. She stands right there until I get it right. To me, it's as irritating as jock itch.
After a few sessions like this, I come to the class early. I walk over to the teacher and whisper, "I know I'm not very good at this. But please be patient, I'm dyslexic."
She changes. She no longer gets mad. She no longer insists I do it right. Her annoyance turns to pity and she leaves me alone. All I have to do, is claim a disease. It immediately relieves me of the responsibility to do it right. I'm indulged. Never pushed. Never forced into going "beyond my capabilities." I hate it. Why take aerobics if I'm not going to be forced to do something difficult? But being a victim of a disease made it easy to avoid responsibility.
If you know a sado-masochistic couple, you know it's the masochist who directs the lashes. He's the one who says what's allowable and what's not. How far to go and when to stop. By putting himself in the underdog position, he controls the situation. As long as the sadist agrees to go along, the masochist pulls the strings.
Although they would call it something different, most feminists cast themselves as victims. (The PC term is survivor, but the meaning is the same.) Victims of patriarchy, an unequal society, biology, incest, whatever else. They are helpless to control the forces that have oppressed them throughout fill-in-the-blank years of history. They've taken on the masochistic role in an S&M relationship. And they call the shots.
Shaking the Voodoo rattle of DATE RAPE and SEXUAL HARASSMENT, they add legal clout to their victim position. Where else would it be tolerated to prosecute someone on the basis of a casual remark at work? In what other situation would liberals tolerate legal action against words? Only when they're used against a helpless victim.
Smart women, like Greta, are getting fed up with the harassment stupidity. The NY Times quotes a fine female judge, Maryanne Barry.
I stand second to none in condemning sexual harassment of women, but what is happening is that every sexy joke of long ago, every flirtation, is being recalled by some women and revised and re-evaluated as sexual harassment. Many of these accusations are, in anybody's book, frivolous... Frivolous accusations reduce, if not eliminate, not only communication between men and women, but any kind of playfulness and banter. Where has the laughter gone?
How about DATE RAPE? What is special about it? Not the use of force-- that's plain ole ordinary rape. Period. Is it to learn that no means no? Not even that! We should learn that yes means no. We should learn that we shouldn't even ask. That might pressure someone into saying yes, even when they don't want to. We should live in constant fear of NOT knowing. What if she had a drink? Did the alcohol force the helpless victim into our bed, only to bring it to court the next day? In what other situation would reasonable people be asked to mind read? Why this situation? Because women are victims.
Someone who takes advantage of a victim is an exploiter. Once MEN accept that we're exploiters, it's over. Goons have no concept of victim or exploiter. They follow what they've always done and their parents did before them. Ironically, these are the people that PC-types call THE PEOPLE. And they're the only ones with balls enough not to be PC. Yep, the goons are lower class, poor, black, hispanic or "white trash." (I hate that phrase, because it implies that most trash is not white-- just like "male nurse" implies that most nurses are not male.) Goons are unaware of their surroundings and the spirit of the times. They won't be intimidated by the voodoo. They don't believe.
The final reason for pansification, I mentioned before: the desire to get laid. Guys see that the kind of girls they like expect them to be meek little mice. That's what they become. If sex demanded that guys stick their heads in the toilet and whistle Sweet Home Alabama, they'd do that too. The urge for nookie maintains itself, testicles or not.
So Greta, it's partly your own fault. And the fault of some of your sisters in the struggle. All you've got left are goons. All the other guys cower in the corner, waiting for you to come over, and rape THEM. You probably won't enjoy it, though. Who wants to fuck a guy who has no balls?
ENDNOTES:
--> The National Research Council provides the perfect example of scientific stupidity. Their survey shows that the US is highest in violent crime among the 16 industrial countries they researched. From that, they conclude there should be more jails and people in them. Of course, they ignore that the U.S. has a higher percentage of people in jail than any other country, including the fifteen others on the survey.
--> Bravest adventurer dept: Our own Luk Haas, one of the few non-GG Allins I actually admire, just sent me a postcard from his travels-- in Croatia! Can you imagine going to Yugoslavia in the middle of a war? To check out the punk scene? That guys got more balls than a bowling alley.
--> Missed it by that much dept: THE JET BOYS, an all Japanese boy band, played at THE CONTINENTAL just before my pals debut in REVEREND MIKE. I came too late to see them. Word was they stripped completely for the show. Do I have the worst luck, or what?
--> There are a lot of things I like to put where my mouth is. One of them is my money-- or at least my principles. Last month I wrote about how using less is preferable to recycling. Now that MRR is littering San Francisco with free issues of itself, I thought I'd do my bit to save some litter. Since so many folks ONLY get the zine to read my column, here's how you can do it without wasting paper. If you've got a computer and modem you can reach me through Matt Kelly's new BBS. (Call 1-510- THE-COOL with your modem) If you can scam an Internet account, you can get me at MQB8130.ACFCLUSTER.NYU.EDU. Ask me to e-mail you the column. If you're lucky, you'll get my column a month before it's printed. You will, however, have to read some electronic ads from me attached to the column. Unlike junk mail-- and paper zines, though, you can delete my ads without wasting anything.
--> The Usual I'm Right Again dept: Remember how I wrote about the evils of JUSTICE? And that you should be wary of any group demanding it? How that word mostly means somebody is going to get hurt? How it's a simple codeword for revenge or punishment? Well, friend-to-Christian-and-Feminist Pat Robertson has started a new organization, the ACLJ, in parody of the ACLU. The initials? American Center for Law and....? You guessed it!
--> So you voted for Mr. Tipper dept: With the courage and integrity usually associated with major labels, Warner Bros. Records announces its compilation "Heck On Wheels: "The Safe in-store Sampler." What they've done is censor (either by tampering with lyrics or choosing non-controversial cuts) records by ICE-T, MINISTRY, L7, BOMB and others, to make them more palatable to "mainstream retail outlets." A record company would never want to muzzle an artist or weaken their message, would they? Oh no! These bands sign with the majors so they'll have a wider audience. Right? They still have complete artistic freedom, don't they? Well, don't they?
--> Nice guys finish bad dept: Nasty stories about GREEN DAY keep rolling into Seidboard central. The stories started when they disappointed dozens of fans by not showing up at a promised ABC NO RIO show. Rumor was they decided "not to play that shithole" and just didn't come. I've heard the same about shows in other cities. The band leaving fans stranded because they decided this show or that wouldn't pay enough. Will GREEN DAY be the Carmin Maranda of the 90s? Will you understand the reference?
--> You heard THE HANSON BROTHERS album yet? The best thing to come out of Canada since the Yeti! These guys got THE RAMONES (when you liked 'em) down pat. Not a really a parody, but funny as menstrual blood on a wedding gown. And on vinyl!
--> Computer nerd dept: If you have access to internet, you can involve yourself in the Board-bashing that's been going on in the BISEXUAL LIST. Be prepared to get lots of mail. To subscribe to the bisexual list, send an internet message to:
LISTERV@BOWNVM.BROWN.EDU
Your subject line should say SUBSCRIBE ME. The entire contents of your message should be (no left margin):
SUBSCRIBE BISEXU-L <your name>
(Don't use the brackets when writing your name.) Then just sit back and wait a few hours for the welcome on message and jump into the fray! B.T.W. I won't be participating from Jan 9 through the 25. I'll be in Europe with ARTLESS. If you're in France, Italy, Spain or England during that time, stop by and try to scam your way onto the guest list. Fat chance!
--> Time to write your congressman again dept: A new set of horror stories has come to me through my junk mail. This company "The Financial Privacy Report" (PO Box 1277, Burnsville MN 55337), offers to secure my assets so no one can take them. Who would take them? In March 1991, 20 armed sheriffs seized supermarket cash registers because the owner didn't pay a littering ticket. In San Francisco, police confiscated a man's car because he was accused of "laundering money." The cops filed no charges, yet he never got his car back. In Missouri, police found a joint at someone's house. They took his stereo, amplifier, cassette deck, turntable CD player, headphones, 125 CDs, home computer, disks and TV. No drug charges were filed. He had to pay $600 "storage fees" to get his stuff back. These are "seizure laws" and in effect they give the government complete control over you. Due process can fuck itself. Pretty scary, huh?
--> Why I'm not an anarchist (or capital L Libertarian) reason #450: Congress just passed a law. Starting Dec. 20, those awful automated dialing machines will be illegal. You know, the tapes that call you up and fill your answering machine? Sometimes they won't let you hang up! Now only charities can use them. Even better: companies have to maintain a Do Not Call list. If you tell 'em not to call back, they can't do it. It gets still better. If a company violates these rules, you can sue them in small claims court for $500! You don't need a lawyer! There aren't many laws I like, but oh boy oh boy. I can't wait till one of those dingleberries calls me now!
-->Conspiracy? Or Plot-- You Decide dept: So I call up the Middle East Cafe in Boston to see if they'll book ARTLESS. This girl name Cynthia answers the phone and says. "Wow, I book Wednesdays and we're gonna have THE MUDWIMMIN here. You two would make a great combo."
"What're THE MUDWIMMIN like," I ask, "Are they feminists?"
"Kind of," says Cindy, "You wanna play? If not I'll get you in touch with the guys who do the main booking."
"Oh no," I tell her, "if they're feminists, we want to play with them. If I tell you now, is it a confirmed date?"
"You bet," says Cindy.
"We're on," I tell her.
Two weeks before the show, after I've sent announcements to all my Boston friends, my answering machine gets a call from Cindy.
"Sorry, you won't be playing THE MUDWIMMIN show." says the Cindy voice, "It was never confirmed."
I call back to ask why. Did THE MUDWIMMIN refuse to play with us? Did they get some other pressure to boot us off the bill? I leave messages. I call the other guys who do the booking. I only get machines. I leave more messages.
"Just tell me what happened?" I ask. They never call back.
What do you think? Smells pretty fishy, I'd say. Until someone gives me a decent explanation, I'd suggest that friends of free speech hold off on their MUDWIMMIN tickets-- and maybe going to the Middle East Cafe. If you do go, could you do some private eyeing for me? Let me know what you find out. As usual, I'm at PO BOX 137, PRINCE STREET STA, NEW YORK NY 10012.
--> I Hate Unions Even More dept: There has been no reduction in American work hours since unions brought in the 40 hour week more than 40 years ago. Except for Japan, we're number one in hours worked per person. You know the carrot the unions dangled for the Clinton vote? Know what the Autoworker's Union smarms promised? More overtime! Instead of reducing work and redistributing it to those who want it, they're "promising" even longer hours. Instead of freeing people from a slackless life, the unions want to make it worse. This is good? What was it Orwell wrote? Freedom is slavery?
-end-
