YOU'RE WRONG
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
I'm gonna slip you a short one again. It's less than a week before the ARTLESS storms Europe tour. We're taking a chance this time. Besides Spain, France and Italy, we're playing England. I've heard that those folks can understand the words! It's quite amazing since they have the reputation of having all the brains of a piece of citrus fruit-- and half the sense of humor. It'll be fun! I've already spewed my creative load in new songs. Besides, I don't have time. So all I've got left for you are a bunch of endnotes. Well, buckaroos, here they are:
--> Dave Jezierski wrote to me from Chicago. I tried to write
back, but my postcard came "Attempted, No Known." You on the
lamb, Dave?
--> I got a letter from the VAGINAL JESUS guys. They wanted to
assure me that ANAL CUNT members were NOT in their band. What I
want to know is who is which of the two bands is concerned with getting a bad reputation from the other.
--> Feeling guilty dept: Imagine answering the phone and hearing an inspector from the US Post Office. She asks you to help catch "a criminal." You'd tell her to tongue your dingleberries, right? Sure you would, unless you'd be thrown in jail for NOT helping.
Here's what happened: Some clod has become obsessed with me-- and my exciting life. It happens all the time. Realizing that my life is exciting and their life is boring, some people try to live through me. They fill their minds with thoughts of me. They're obsessed, and like other obsessions. I give meaning to an empty life. The more creatively obsessed write me letters and send me personal videos or photos. (Of course, not everyone who writes to me is obsessed. Some like to just exchange thoughts-- and erotica-- a different kind of obsession.) The less creative repeat the same high school pranks boring high school geeks have practiced for years.
Lately, I've been getting a barrage of magazine subscriptions, catalog offers and invitations to attend mail order police academy-- all saying this is information "I requested." I enjoy this. I usually get a free magazine or two before the "cancel" I scrawl on the bill catches up with them. More generally, it's an ego boost to have someone else think you are so important. The magazine subscriptions were fine-- and fun. Then I started getting catalog merchandise.
Unfortunately, the bill for this stuff came AFTER I accepted it. I tried to return it, but a company representative called saying they were going to charge me a shipping and restocking fee for the returned merchandise.
I said I didn't order it. They said, they'd have to file a suit with the post office and send it to "an official investigator."
"Sure, do that," I said. Fat chance they can find somebody who just sticks postcards in the mail. My mysterious mail order lover would be safe.
Well, it seems that some of these business reply postcards and order forms are coded. The PO thinks they can track down the person who sent them in. (I don't believe it. That would require "government efficiency," an oxymoron if I ever heard one.)
So this postal inspector calls me to ask that I send "copies of all unordered bills, magazines and offers" to her. The implication was that if I didn't cooperate they'd accuse me of fraud. So I'm cooperating. I just hope I don't have to go to court or anything. I'd feel as guilty as a priest with AIDS if I put somebody in jail. Besides, I'd miss my free copies of Sassy!
--> Reasonable request dept: Neil from Nottingham, England asks me to get him a photo of "Al Gore being ass-fucked by a black transvestite, while Tipper (dressed in full S&M gear) watches on." My camera isn't working at the moment, can anyone else help?
--> Can you believe that there are actually two Peorias?? That oriental sex vid I thought was from Bloody Mess turns out to be from Peoria ARIZONA! Could you imagine? Bloody Mess did send me a tape, but it was completely blank.
--> Ain't "justice" wonderful, dept.: Nottingham Neil also reports that a British woman was sent to prison for having sex with a 15 year old boy. She was 35. OK, 15 year old MRR readers, how many of you would consider sex with a sexy 35 year old woman, rape? Now think again when you think about adult-kid sex laws. The kid part? That's you!
--> I saw Aaron Cometbus outside the ARTLESS got-the-plug- pulled show at Brownies in New York. AGAIN I didn't recognize him. I don't know what it is. I guess it's cause he looks SO different from how I picture him. My mind refuses to reconcile the image with the reality. Aaron, you need a nametag!
--> Mind and matter dept: Dr. David Reuben's Mental First Aid Manual reports that women who feel guilty about sex are more likely than average to get cancer of the uterus.
--> What's the story dept: I heard the new Ice Cube record PREDATOR went platinum 4 days after release. It's on PRIORITY records. Anybody know if this label has connections to a major. I tried to find out, but everybody at the PR house is silent. I guess since there's a lot of anti-cop stuff on this, they figure it's better to keep connections quiet. (Actually, I hate rap, but this record is a muthafucka! That means good!) Anybody got the dope on this label?
--> Record cover of the month dept: VIOLENT SOCIETY (c/o Cattle Club 210 Durham Rd., Newtown PA 18940) wins for their Innocent single. Shows a punk burnout shooting up, vein popping, eyes bulging in a room with posters for THE EXPLOITED and the UNDEAD. He's wearing a YOUTH OF TODAY t-shirt and there's a SHELTER poster, right next to THE UNDEAD.
-->I got a letter and recording from James Nunn of GUTTERMOUTH. They were reacting to my report of an anonymous zine calling them racist. They sent me copies of the "offending lyrics." Sure, they use NON-PC language AND stereotypes, but they're funny! What the fuck is racism anyway? It's making judgements of people based on race, rather than on the totality of the person. By that definition, GUTTERMOUTH are racist. So am I, and 99% (at least) of the MRR readers. Most racist are the "anti-racists" who use race explicitly to decide who are the goodguys and who are the bad guys. That's more racist than I or GUTTERMOUTH will ever be.
--> Look ma, we're a market! Dept: The Drunk Punx organization (PO Box 91503, Roseland Plaza Postal Outlet, Burlington ON l7R 4L6, CANADA) reports that Canada's Brick Brewery has come out with a beer "targeted towards the gay and lesbian community." Called "Pride," they're gonna market themselves to homobars throughout the continent. Beers to come: LICKETY SPLIT: The Lesbian Beer, GOOD HEAD: the sex workers beer, and PISS: the recycled beer.
--> Can't say I'm a fan of these Drunk Punks though. Part of their plan of action, besides drinking, is kicking guys out of shows if they don't like their t-shirts! Yikes, you'd expect drunks to be a little more tolerant, eh? Hell, if I ran a club, I'd even allow Canadians to come in.
-->Sometimes it's hard to remember what I told you about and what I didn't. This seems like a natural, but my computer search program can't find it, so here's the info (again?). V.E.A.L. stands for Vegetable Emancipation Action League. They are a pro- vegetable rights organization based in California. (848 Lake Park (365), Oakland CA 94610). They call for an end to the vegetable holocaust including the death and mistreatment of millions of vegetables every day.
From their latest newsletter: We at V.E.A.L. can imagine a world where vegetables aren't forced to live in the dirt where bugs can crawl on them. We can imagine a world where vegetables aren't treated like second class citizens, a world where no one again will ever say "Pass the ketchup!
--> The "Even When They're Right, They're Wrong" Dept: The Abraham Lincoln Foundation (PO Box 92660, Washington DC 20077- 7000) is a conservative Negro group that is campaigning to prevent statehood for Washington DC. In itself, that's a worthy cause. Washington was invented so that the U.S. capital would be in NO STATE. The idea, was that it should be free of State self- interest. Instead, it should function solely as the seat of government. It was and is a good idea-- and a fine reason why DC should not be a state. (Besides it's much smaller than even Rhode Island!)
OK, I'll sign your petition, guys, just let me read the literature. "If the Democrats succeed in their scheme (to make DC a State with) two more Senate seats, I am afraid that Republicans will never again have control of the Senate.... Jesse Helms will never be Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee...radicals like Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan could be elected to U.S. Senate if DC becomes a state..."
It goes on like that. Instead of a reasoned argument, these guys make it sound like if The Right were going to get two Senators, then statehood for DC would be OK! That makes them as nutty and self-serving as The Left.
Why can't folks just look at the facts, decide the right thing to do, and then do it? Illogical selfishness can only backfire in the end. It cost 'em my petition.
--> On the other hand, you've got responsible conservatives like the guys at Hillsdale College (Hillsdale MI 49242). They believe in the old "classics" curriculum. They believe in a religious foundation for ethics. They're classic conservatives, bending somewhat Libertarian-ward. They've been at war with the government since the college began.
It was one of the first in the nation to admit Negroes (1866) and women (same year). The fights started after World War One, when the college admitted a black student to the school's R.O.T.C.
A local lieutenant said that would not be allowed. The colored guy had to go to a special Negro unit, he said. Hillsdale refused and demanded equality. They fought and won that case.
Almost sixty years later, in 1975, Hillsdale again fought the government. This time it was a federal "affirmative action decree." The college refused "to practice discrimination by admitting students and hiring faculty on the basis or race and gender." Although the school already met Federal integration guidelines, they would not keep records based on skin color or sex organs. That's what the government wanted.
Washington bureaucrats said that all schools that received federal funds had to keep these records. The school refused all federal funds. The government said that didn't matter. Some STUDENTS got Federal money. They were still a "recipient institution" because those students spent grant money at the school. The college president points out:
"By the same logic, every fast food franchise, laundry and bookstore is a "recipient institution"...Think of the countless millions who receive Social Security checks, food stamps, Medicare grants and other federal benefits. Every place they spend anything becomes "a recipient institution." ( Reprinted by permission from IMPRIMIS, the monthly journal of Hillsdale College, Subscriptions free upon request.)
But the Supreme Court, never a bastion of logical consistency, ruled otherwise. They said the college got federal money from students, so they were under federal control. Maintaining their integrity, the college gave notice to students that they would no longer accept anyone who was taking federal money. They would still admit needy students, but they would give the scholarships, not the government. Bravo Hillsdale!
--> Great Minds Bowl in the Same Alley Dept: You might've noticed Katy Odel's column two issues ago and my column last issue resembled each other. We both wrote about "wimps."
The resemblance was coincidental. As far as I know, neither of us knew the intentions of the other. Even though my column was published a month later than hers, it was written at the same time.
--> If you're waiting for me to answer another columnist's criticisms-- hold your breath for a year or two. It's as much fun having fellow columnists obsessed with me as it is having mysterious mail order strangers. That doesn't mean I have to become obsessed with them in return. Sorry. I've got juicier fish to fry.
See you in Spain, France, Italy or England. Though, by the time you read this, I'll be back. Sayonara... er... ciao, pip pip.
-end-
