An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
[It's a week before the giant homoparade in Washington DC. There should be a million people there, all anxious to express their sexuality. There will be a heavy bisexual contingent, so with any luck I should be able to burn my candle from both end.
In honor of the parade-- and to get me in good with the folks I'd like to get into-- I wrote a letter to The Village Voice, an NYC liberal paper. What follows is a slight variation on that letter. As of today, I don't know if they've printed it, so I can't tell you if it got me laid.]
I was madder than a Leggs model with scabies. I loose touch with mainstream news media every once-in-awhile. So I forget how silly things can get. Ridiculous people bring forth even more ridiculous proposals.
They tell me there is a plan to allow heterosexuals in the military-- especially THE NAVY! Yikes! Why don't they just punch holes in the hulls? It'd be less disastrous.
The Navy has a proud history, going back many years and through many wars. Nowhere does that history include heterosexuality. They may have served, but they served as Naval Officers, not hets. Heterosexuality is as closely connected with Naval history as sushi is with Italian cooking. Part of what gives The Navy its strength is its sense of history. Why jeopardize it with some false concept of equality?
Before you go off and accuse me of advocating het-bashing, I want to make my position clear. I believe that hets should not be attacked because of their orientation. I believe they're entitled to food, housing, everything normal people are entitled to. But this is a greater issue than personal rights. This is both the defense of our country, and the image of our country. We should consider it carefully.
Admit it. People are not equal. Negroes can play basketball better than whites. Jews are better tailors than gentiles. There's a place for all of us. There are areas where heterosexuals excel. Who would drive trucks or sell insurance, if it weren't for heterosexuals? I don't want to minimize their contribution to our society. But it's not enough.
"What about Negroes?" you ask. "They joined the Navy without negative results."
You can't compare racial integration with sexual integration. The Navy needs the talents of a basketball player. Moving and deciding quickly, the ability to consider and work with a team-- these are all desirable traits. But what would they do with an insurance salesman?
People in the Navy have to work in tight closed quarters-- often for many months. Could you imagine what it would be like to do that without a sexual outlet? Could you see yourself cooped up in a roomful of people you found unattractive-- for months at a time? Could you function? You'd go insane. At least you'd become unstable. We can't afford instability in The Navy.
We have to put things in perspective. We have to stop making decisions from the heart and give the head a chance. Idealists can proclaim anything in the name of equality. That doesn't change the reality. That reality is that the Navy and heterosexuality do not mix. They never have. They never will.
--> The When You Pray To God, Does She Listen? dept: In Sydney Australia, church elders found a Presbyterian church minister guilty of heresy. His crime: suggesting that women might make better priests than men. The church court ruled that the reverend, Peter Cameron, was guilty of "questioning the infallibility of The Bible." But all hope is not lost. They cleared him of a second charge. That came from his suggesting that St. Paul did not opposed homosexuality. The Rev says he will appeal the court's decision.
--> Note to John W. who sends letters: You are NOT the "obsessed clod" I was referring to. (I wish you'd've sent me your return address!) Your letters are among the most intelligent I get. I love them! I was talking about the guy who subscribed me to all those stupid magazines. I liked it, but when he started ordering stuff in my name it got hairy. The mail order company said I had to turn evidence over to the Postal Inspectors or they would sue me. To you and others-- I LIKE getting mail from my readers. That's not an obsession. That's communication.
--> Speaking of Mail dept: Not being the artistic type, I won't participate, but it sounds like a good idea. You send in 30 copies of some artwork, poetry, drawing, anything creative. The coordinator puts it together and mails it out to all the contributors.
It's a mail-art project for beginners. It's especially interesting because it's based in the former East Germany. Considering what's going on there now, you might want to make a statement with your art. If you're interested, send some art to: Sebastian Hennig, Goethestr. 35, O-8122 Radebuel, GERMANY.
--> The Who Fucks Whom and Catches What from Them dept: From an anonymous source comes Gossip Sheet #2. In it are all the marginals you know-- except Lawrence Livermore. They're listed under such topics as "Alcoholics," "Aliases" (did you know that Lisa Suckdog was Lisa Carver?), "Congenital Idiots," "Kikes," and others. (Anybody know what "Hebephrenic" means? GG Allin is listed under it.) The idiots forgot to list me under Pornographers. Doesn't seventeen novels count? I won't tell you where they DO list me, but one place is the same as Uncle Timmy!
--> The Major Labels Don't Take Everything dept: I spotted this in a magazine aimed at electronic musicians. It's an advertisement for an effects pedal made by the Boss company. Obviously aimed at the band who're thinking of signing a major, the headline is: They'll want total control of your image. They'll want total control of your bookings. They'll want total control of your finances. That's okay. They'll never get control of your foot.
--> For the Ignorant dept: Ernest Mann is a 60's activist who didn't fall into either fashionable cynicism or new lefty totalitarianism. He's been an anti-work free thinker for almost thirty years now. For most of that time, he published a newsletter called Little Free Press (PO Box 54177, Minneapolis MN 55454-0177). He advocates PES (The Priceless Economic System), where life revolves around barter, rather than cash accumulation. He's also a good story teller.
Although he stopped doing the zine, he has a bunch of old issues. What comes through his zine is that he's making his vision of utopia work. It's not there yet, but it's well on the way. Editors of punk scamzines are advised to contact him. He's been there before.
--> The Bad Luck With Band Names dept: I got a letter from a Long Island duo called Take That! (PO Box 732, Amityville NY 11701. Send 'em a couple of bucks for a cassette.) An avant experimental crew, one member seems to show as much scalp as I do.
Imagine their surprise when the local paper reports that RCA records has brought over a British band to "test market" in the U.S. They're supposed to be "the hottest thing since New Kids On The Block." Their members range from 19 to 22 years old. They look as juvenile and vacuous as British bands usually do. The name of this new band? Why, Take That! of course.
--> The Yeah, But Will It Get Me Laid Dept: Speed Demon, (PO Box 44/A, P.ZZA S. Babila 4/D, Milano 20122, ITALY) "Italy's only homocore magazine" has translated and reprinted my column about the SPEW conference in Chicago. This year's conference will be in May in Toronto. I'm not sure if I'll be going. If I do, you'll hear about it.
--> The Creeps of the Month dept: F.A.I.R. stands for the Federation for American Immigration Reform. In their letter asking for funds, they complain about how babies in America of illegal aliens, become American citizens. That's a creepy enough complaint. But they also complain that our tax dollars went to an ambulance and surgeon. They helped an illegal alien mother with pregnancy complications. In other words, we shudda let the bastards die.
These guys are evil incarnate. Not only do they support the death penalty for poverty, they also support Big Brother for the rest of us. They want encoded and photographed Social Security cards. You, me and our condom deliveries can be tracked from the moment we start life right through to our final fart. It's all on the card. Sounds like 1984's coming ten years later.
Write to them at 1666 Connecticut Avenue NW, Washington DC 20009. They'll send you their cute letter and survey. (eg. "Are you willing to give up your social security to pay welfare for illegal immigrants?") They'll ask you for money too-- enclosing a post-paid envelope. Oh yeah, it all comes printed on 100% recycled paper. How thoughtful!
--> The Torch is Passed dept: A couple of years ago I planned to do a 'zine called STARFUCKER. It was gonna be a true-to-life series of sexual encounters with famous people. The project never got off the ground. Now Mr. A., in SF has decided to take it over. Please send your stories to him: STARFUCKER c/o Truth About Fanzine Records, 2864 24 St (A), San Francisco CA 94110.
--> The Zine of the...huh? dept: I found this one lying on my "to be read" stack. It's undated, but looks pretty old.
Noah Vail's Little Book o' Non-Sequiturs's got a sexy (but tasteful) cover and nice 'toons. Ok, but not juice-squirting. But, there's more! It's got prank letters! Better than prank phone calls! Noah reprints his letters to Nabisco, Nordic Track, and George Bush among others. (He asked Bush how he could be one of the folks that gets spirited away to the presidential bomb shelter in case of nuclear attack.) You may still be able to get this one, try sending a buck to Noah Vail at 6800 SW 40th St., Miami FL 33155.
--> Prank or sad news? dept: I got a note with the latest Bundle of Sticks. For the dumb hets (a pleonasm?) among you: B.O.S. is a hilarious, contrary, annoying, homozine. Teg, the editor, gets on everybody's shitlist, and loves it. Or is it GOT on everybody's shitlist and LOVED it.
The enclosed note reports that Teg died. It's no big news when homos die in the 90s. You expect it. But this guy had too much chutzpa to go quietly. I didn't even know he was sick.
I'm betting it's a prank. Everyone since Huckleberry Finn (or was it Tom Sawyer) has wanted to see how the world would react to his death. Anyone who knows, the facts, let ME know! As usual PO Box 137, Prince Street Sta, New York NY 10012 or Internet MQB8130@ACFCLUSTER.NYU.EDU. My next column will be available around the 15th of the month for all those who e-mail me a request. No snailmail columns, sorry.
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