YOU'RE WRONG
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
I was as challenged as a zine editor at a spelling bee.
"I bet you can't do it." said Bob, "Not even once."
"I can too!" I said.
"I'll bet you a blowjob," says he.
"You're on," I tell him
So now I'm stuck. In order to collect, I've got to write an entire column without attacking feminists. Let's see if I can do it.
This month, I'm gonna present part 142 of How to Think. In this installment, we'll discuss how to answer religious arguments from people who say they're not religious. Not Christians or Muslims. Not Jews or even Buddhists. I want to talk about secret religion, hidden away from those who would normally laugh at it. Like other fanatics, these religionists are cruelly totalitarian, thinking their particular interests outweigh any other.
First, let's define religion. It is an unreasoned belief in certain set of ideals. Usually, a God or other supreme being has created these ideals. For them to form a religion, they have to be irrational, not subject to change by reasoned argument. Religious beliefs are totalitarian. That is, "our way is the only way-- for everybody." Finally, a religion has to be selfish. That is, act in a way that will benefit the members of that religion regardless of the harm it does others.
I was reading this propaganda put out by PETA, a so-called animal rights group. They advocate strict veganism (even for your pets!) and an end to circuses.
Human digestive systems are not made for the digestion of meat. said the propaganda.
Made? Made by whom?
While the leaflet did not offer an answer, the answer is obvious. God! Who else makes people and their digestive systems? This PETA brochure is as religious as a Chick comic!
When I read this, I chuckled at all the lefty animal lovers who hate religion and love science (another religion). These faithful nod their heads in agreement to this new gospel.
A PETA activist once yelled at my blind pal, Dawn, for walking with her seeing eye dog on a hot day. She should stay home, the activist said-- to protect the dog.
"You can't see," shouted the PETAphile, "you don't know how hot it is!"
And folks refer to her as the blind one. What about the intellectual blindness of the religious zealot?
To say that human digestive systems were not made for eating meat. Or that humans weren't made to be enslaved by capitalism or any other 'made' arguments, is to propose a religion. It gives conscious power to a supreme being who designs everything with a purpose. How is PETA saying "human digestive tracts aren't made to digest meat" different from Christians saying "the anus is not being made to receive a penis"? Or racists saying Negroes are not being made to be the equal of whites.
We'll call this the God-the-Maker argument. Once we recognize it, we can defend ourselves against it. Especially, when those who use it, claim not to believe in God.
Now, lets look at a different kind of theological argument. This is the Accepted-on-Faith argument. Here, people just assume there is no other way of looking at an issue. EVERYBODY believes one particular idea, so it's got to be true. These people dismiss all counter arguments as either 'crazy'-- or (as is now happening on the Queer sub-board of the COOL BEANS BBS) 'reactionary.'
Last year I wrote a column about the evils of recycling. It got just this reaction.
"Recycling," they told me, "you're just against it because everyone else is for it." They didn't listen to the reasons.
There are a great number of ideas labelled common knowledge that are simply wrong. Ideas on smoking, child sex, guns, abortion, the 'holocaust', alcohol and recycling all go unchallenged because EVERYONE KNOWS_______ (fill in the blank).
People accepting these ideas do not argue logically about them. To challenge them is to challenge their faith. Because they believe their ideas to be unchallengeable, they only attack the person making the argument. They cannot attack the argument itself. They don't listen to it. I'll give you an example:
Everyone knows bicycles are healthy, efficient, non-polluting, ecologically the best way to get around. They should be the primary form of transportation and we should abandon the gasoline engine. Bicycle riders are morally superior to users of fossil fuel-- or any combustion engine at all.
'Everyone' is wrong. Bike-ism is among the most intolerant, dictatorial religions I know. It's followers make proclamations without thinking. They quote each other like fundamentalists quote the Bible.
Let's examine the theology and see how it falls apart.
First, bicycles in an urban setting are not healthy. The exhaust blown in the face of bicyclists is worse than the most severe cigarettes. More than that, the physical exertion involved in cycling makes the cyclists breathe deeper and harder-- inhaling that much more shit into their lungs.
Second, bikes are not efficient or pollution free. If two people want to go someplace, they need two bikes. On most other forms of transportation, you can take from 2 to four people as easily as one.
If bike riders would take public transportation (or walk) rather than ride bikes, world ecology would be much healthier. Bikes are NOT pollution free. Someone has to build them. The factories that make them cause the same type and amount of pollution as the factories that make most anything else. The rubber in bike tires is often made from rubber trees in rain-forests. While taking the rubber doesn't kill the tree, hundreds of thousands of trees are killed by building roads to get to the rubber.
If cyclists walked instead of biked, that pollution would be eliminated. If they took public transport, then they would get to the same place at almost NO extra pollution.
In fact, public transport offers the best hope for efficient transportation and reduced pollution. If enough people took it (including BOTH car AND bike riders), there would be more of it. While public transport also pollutes, unlike bikes, more people using it means less-- not more-- pollution.
When I made this proposal during a discussion of bike riding, the answers I got were theological. Like a Catholic saying, "If people would just listen to The Pope...." Bikeriders fail to understand that there are different religions.
"If everybody rode bikes," said the believers, "then we could eliminate public transportation. Busses pollute more than bikes and trains use electricity from generators that pollute."
It's hard to conceive of the selfishness in an answer like this. Blind people, old people, cripples, all these folks should just take a bike. Or maybe, like my blind pal, they should just stay home.
Public transportation serves EVERYONE. Bikes serve the healthy and able bodied. It is the height of religious intolerance to feel that the solution to the world's problems are those that would most benefit your tribe.
PETAism and bike-ianity are just two of the many religions we see among those who claim to be careful thinkers. I'm sure you can find more examples yourself. Just be on the lookout for 'em.
So that's the column. Not one negative mention of feminism. You owe me, Bob.
ENDNOTES:
--> It was a short column this month. I'm on my way to an Underground Press Conference in Chicago, and had to finish before I left. I'll have the conference details next month.
--> Missing people dept: Roger Wherever??? Wherever you are, write me!
--> Grateful Dead '94 dept: If I had a van and enough money, I'd paint it pink and follow the band around. Of course, I'm not talking about THE GRATEFUL DEAD, I'm talking about TRIBE 8. I'm in love!! They're funny, smart, good musicians, hearty drinkers, friendly people. The singer takes off her shirt. Wet dreams of the guitar players get me through more nights than that 'animal' film Joseph sent me.
I saw the band twice within a week. I even bought a t-shirt!! Wowie Zowie!! I spent $18 on 'em in 2 days! It was worth every cent.
After the show, I talk with the girls.
"You were great." I tell Lynne, the singer. "Jennifer Blowdrier gave me this record to give to you. Here's one from me too."
"Thanks," she says. "What's your name?"
"Mmmmmadfadsf," I mumble, not wanting to jeopardize our new relationship.
"Huh?" she asks, "What was that?"
"Mmmmmadsll Badfsd," I say, "I write for this little fanzine out of California."
"Great!" she says smiling, "I'm glad you liked the show."
Like??? I'm in love!!!!
--> Press release from hell dept: Sometimes this major-label stuff is just too funny. Columbia records now distributes NAPALM DEATH. They must've gotten one of their hack writers-- who had no clue-- to write their press release. Either that, or they stuck the names into The Generic Press Release Writer program.
In any case, they come up with gems like Fiery and focused, dynamic yet damning, this quintessential quintet has never sounded better.
I haven't heard the record yet, but wanna bet Mark Greenway's losing his vocal edge? Try The record is highlighted by the maturation of Greenway's vintage vocal incantation (combining more traditional inflections....
Ah, but my favorite is the closer, And in a world where nobody cares, these guys give a damn about fear, emptiness and, of course, despair."
That's always what comes to my mind when I think of NAPALM DEATH. These guys give a damn.
-->In this column, I mentioned the COOL BEANS BBS. Folks with a modem can plug into them by dialing 1-415-648-7865. You can send a personal email message to me there. You can also, as usual, reach me via the internet at mykel@wps.com. I'm still spurting to those fine home videos, so you can send them (yes solo is OK!) or anything else legal to me at PO Box 137, Prince St. Station, New York NY 10012.
-->Someday maybe I'll be wrong dept: Remember how, last month, I wrote about the current 'gay' movement? I complained it was nothing more than a bid for conformity-- a piece of the action of corporate America.
Today comes this ad. It's for a magazine called Victory! (2312 N. Street, Sacramento CA 95816) It says it's The nation's gay business magazine. Why should you buy it? In 1992 our community pumped $514 billion into the nation's economy. Be a part of this historic shift in the way American does business.
$514 billion? I didn't know there were that many disco records and designer black leather jackets. Wow!
What if you don't have enough cash to pay for a subscription? Just dial 1-800-GAY-CLOUT. You apply for a Gay Visa card. Right over the phone. No annual fee. Low Annual Percentage rate. Have your card emblazoned with a pink triangle! Yum yum!
--> Best resolution to a nasty action dept: You might have heard about the trouble with Punks With Presses, a punk printing company. The editor of DESCENT magazine hired them to print his zine. They took the money, agreeing to do the job. At the last minute, a press worker found an ad from THE MEAT SHITS. The ad did not match the boundaries of 'acceptable politics' as defined by those at PWP. The workers on the zine changed the ad, making it worthless to the advertiser and the publisher.
This action is inexcusable censorship. When I first heard about it, I had planned to ask folks NOT to use PWP. Spending money on censors only encourages them. Before I did that, though, I got in touch with the PWPers to get their side of the story.
They admit changing the ad. CEO Jux said they have done hundreds of jobs and this is the only one they changed. It was at the last minute. Since they had already accepted the job, he felt it was too late to reject it outright. (They have done this a few times in the past.)
When the DESCENT editor complained, Jux agreed to the following:
(1) PWP would print a statement that the changes came from the printer, not the zine. (2) PWP would pay for the costs of xeroxing the original ad to be included with altered zine. (3) PWP would pay for the time ($6 an hour) for the zine editor to insert the original ad in each zine.
Although the ad mutilation was wrong, it was isolated. (Even I have done things that were... er... morally indefensible. I know that's hard to believe!) The steps taken to solve the problem are the right ones. So, I give Jux and the buckaroos at PWP qualified support in this one. I just wouldn't like to see it happen again.
--> Book of the month dept: Some anonymous genius printed only 100 copies of the Kurt Cobain Pocket Joke Book filled with gems like:
Q. What has six arms, six legs and two heads?
A. Nirvana
There's a bunch of 'em plus fun pix of Kurt. I wish I could give you an address to write for 'em, but there are no more!
--> Old Folks dept: I saw Merle Allin's MURDER JUNKIES last night with THE MEATMEN. (I missed CANDY SNATCH and the other bands. I heard great stuff about 'em, though.) Johnny Stiff was DJing. It was like being back in '83! I saw George Tabb, Vinnie Stigma, and a few other oldfolks. Not as many as I would've thought.
THE MEATMEN were the same! They didn't try to go grunge, clean up their act, or make a bid for MTV. Tesco and pals were rude and tasteless. It was a touch o' heaven. I wish I had a way of dragging in all those guys who think PEARL JAM is punk. They'd learn the lessons of history.
-->Special thanks dept: Thanks to Jesse who finally sent me my SKREWDRIVER T-shirt. You didn't put your address on the letter though-- so it took me awhile to find it. Glad you're out of jail.
-->Not quite verbatim dept: To cover my moral ass, I'll restate the obvious. I don't walk around with a tape recorder, and I discard my e-mail. Also, I sometimes consider literary effect more pressing than faithful reproduction of the facts. (Want facts? Read an encyclopedia.) With that said, keep in mind, that some conversations quoted in this column are not quoted word-for-word.
-->Too American dept: I just got a press release from a band called THE STAIN. Major labelites LIVING COLOR have released an album called Stain. The band doesn't like it. They fear folks will confuse it with their band. They've tried to contact Sony, the major, but without success. Now they're looking to the courts.
Why do Americans have to give their power away to the courts and the legal system???? If Sony won't deal, the solution is obvious. Rather than take it to court, STAIN should title their next album: The Living Colour. It's the perfect payback.
-end-
