YOU'RE WRONG 

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

Her stubble-free legs press against the side of my head. I'm prone, my face pushed in deep. Her back is against the book case at the end of the bed. My body stretches downward from her middle as if I were an excess growth from between her legs.

I lick upward, forcing the tongue-tip into the hairy jungle. Probing and poking, I lick until I find that tiny nub. I suck it into my mouth, gently squeezing it between my lips. She moans. That drives me onward. The blood pulse between my own legs. I rub myself, humping the sheets as I continue to lick. She lifts her legs putting them over my shoulders.

"Mykel," I hear her say between breaths.

"Mmmfffdss?" I answer.

"This is a pleasant surprise."

"Afffdddzzzsf." I say, assuming she's talking about my lingual abilities.

"No, not that." she says. "I mean, I thought you only liked Asian women."

"Hmmmfffdddsh?" I ask.

"No, I didn't mean only women. I meant Asian anything."

I was too busy to correct the misconception then. I want to correct it here and now. Along with a number of other misconceptions, idealizations, and wrongitudes. What you think about me is wrong!

To avoid further cunnilingual (and other) misunderstandings, I'm gonna explain some of what I believe here. For longterm fans, sorry for the repetition. But since the turnover of MRR readership is almost as quick as the turnover of music industry fads-of-the-month club. (Current fad: punk rock), I have to repeat myself occasionally.

Misconception #1. Mykel ONLY likes one race, age or gender. It often happens that Orientals meet more of my criteria than other folks, but there are no hundred percents. I like people who are smart, funny and adventurous. I'm not sexually aroused by everyone I like, however.

Sex arousal is more than simply humanity. I have an aesthetic sense. I like skinny, smooth-skinned (hairless body), non-muscular waifish types. I like boyish boys and boyish girls. NOT mannish either, though, yuck! I have no gender preference. I also often have fine, arousing, sex with folks who are not "my type."

My preferences are not right or wrong-- they're mine. Yours might be different. In fact, I hope they are. (Actually, I hope you like short, old, balding Jews with a bad attitude.)

Misconception #2. Mykel is on 'our side' when it comes to being a punk purist. He tours for $50 and a blowjob and believes that everyone else should too.

While I DO think folks like Henry Rollins are hypocrites, I don't throw around the term 'sellout.'

Lately a few things have pissed me off. One is kids who call RANCID sell-outs. The reason: they charge more than $5 at the door. Their pay is more than gasfare and a sixpack. They're "exploiting the fans."

I see RANCID at the Limelight here in New York. Tickets are $10 each so naturally I try to scam in through Epitaph. The guest list is full.

"Sorry, we can't help you, Mykel."

Surprise! My pal, Sharon, the bartendress/Jewess/goddess buys me a ticket.

The Limelight is packed. It's an awful club in an old church. Usually folks come to disco. The bouncers have muscles from here to eternity-- mostly between their ears. It's not a fun place to see a band, but I love Rancid.

When we get there, it's kids all over. Two bands have played. Half-naked sweatfilled bodies press against one another and then against the stage. Teenage muscles are tense, ready to dive and slam and otherwise have a nice teenage time.

Sharon and I, both smaller and older than the crowd, fixed ourselves on a staircase to watch. The band comes on. The crowd goes wild. The band goes wild, spinning and twisting and belting out the fun stuff. Blah blah blah. That isn't the greatness of the event.

Kids crawl through the crowd to the five foot stage. One after the other they climb on top. A guy with long hair and a scraggly brown goatee dances a bit, then dives. A skinhead, shaved with tattoos from tit to tit, jumps up. Dives. Crowd surfs.

Another kid climbs on stage. A burly bouncer leaves the wings. He grabs the kid-- this one a small skinny guy. He throws him hard back into the audience.

Another fan jumps on stage. The bouncers get rough. They don't wait long before throwing. POW! There's a RANCID! (Lars, I think.) Shoving the bouncer. Telling him to fuck off and leave folks alone. He invites kids on the stage.

The guy with the goatee jumps up again. Lars give him the microphone. He sings half the song while the band plays behind him. The bouncers loose.

"You can be stars too!" Rancid is saying.

It's perfect punkdom and it brings a smile to my face.

RANCID turned down a huge advance from Epic records. They turned down a chance to fuck Madonna. What more do you want??? For me, the only successful band punker than RANCID is NO FX. Both of 'em are on Epitaph.

That brings me to the next part of this sellout bullshit. I like to call it punk welfare. Labels like LOOKOUT and EPITAPH, along with MORDAM RECORDS contribute to our lives by their existence. They're the built-in safety net for hundreds of people.

Health insurance? A regular paycheck? Time off to travel with your band? Where else can you get all this, and not have to sell your soul to corporate America? While I don't believe in work, if you're gonna have it-- it should be a place where you can wear whatever clothes you like, and call the boss a fuckhead if you want.

Epitaph supports hundreds of fanzines through their ads. They know that the only people who read those zines would buy their stuff anyway-- or maybe think they're sellouts. But they advertise. Not for the results, but to help the zines. I've only heard one complaint about a zine editor not being paid for an ad. As far as I can tell, that was a misunderstanding, now fixed.

I've never heard a complaint about working conditions or 'labor relations' with Lookout, Mordam or Epitaph. As far as I know, the books are open and the pay is fair. I'd like to see MORE success stories like those, not fewer.

Related to this, are complaints about high ticket prices. One complainer/letter writer even said he didn't want to pay $10 to see a band. Ten dollars is not a lot in 1995.

Punk rock is not food. If you miss it for a day, you won't die-- or feel much pain. If, however, you make your life doing it, you're entitled to get paid for what you do. Touring is hard-- and expensive. Punkrock is not something that needs a pricecap. If you can't afford a show-- don't go. It's unfair to complain that someone who plays to eat and drink doesn't deserve that bottle of Anchor when he could drink Bud. Ask your parents for an extra five or ten bucks. Or don't go!

Misconception #3. Mykel is a racist, sexist homophobe-- and a Republican.

One recent post to alt.punk usenet accused me of "acting like a Nazi" because "I went to a nine year old boy prostitute in a third world country." Besides the latter being a lie (I DID go to prostitutes in Thailand. They were all over twenty. They were NOT all boys.) It is an easy way to dismiss something you don't like or understand.

Nazis (after the SA) were anti-sex outside the family. They were anti-pornography and outlawed prostitution. Sounds more like feminism than Boardism, doesn't it?

I will, however, admit that my philosophy has something in common with the professed philosophy of the Republicans. That is, people should assume responsibility for their actions. Although social conditions (or genes-- but that's shaky) may be the first cause of a person's situation, most people have the power to change that situation.

Newt says that he wants people to act on their own. Then he supports taking kids away from teen mothers, giving the government the right to break into people's houses and cars without a warrant, censoring people and other nefarious government actions against people. Newt is a hypocrite. He wants government CONTROL of people, not government AID to people.

I favor government AID, not control. I want MORE welfare, not less. I want tax supported universities with no tuition. I want a minimum yearly income for everyone. I want benefits for immigrants and unlimited immigration. That doesn't go against personal responsibility. That allows people the freedom to take advantage of it.

I frequently embarrass Jeff Bale by giving money to every bum we pass on the street. I don't do it out of sympathy, but out of admiration. They are living without causing harm. Something that few of us can say.

So, when I talk about personal responsibility, I don't mean work or die on your own. I'm talking about inner strength. I'm taking about making personal choices and sticking by them. I'm talking about looking at what you can do, rather than whining about how oppressed or victimized you are.

Women, Negroes, Homos, all claim to be victims of society. They organize around their oppression. Build their self-image around it. Call it an identity. They separate themselves from the rest of us and demand a piece of the pie.

Homos, for example, in a narrow perception of self-interest spread lies about AIDS. They believe that if people think everybody can get AIDS, then they will work harder to find a cure. This is a lie. It damages people's feelings about sex. It doesn't bother the homos any more than it bothers the Christians and yellow journalists who spread the same lie. Even now, scientists are finding new evidence of the DIFFICULTY of getting AIDS.

Blowjobs and muff diving are safe sex. You don't need a condom or a dental dam. A protein in the saliva called SLPI, pronounced 'slippy' prevents HIV infection. But too many people have too much to gain from the AIDS panic to let you get this information.

There are no Women, Negroes or Homos, but only people. Lots of 'em. All kinds, shades, orientations. Some are successful. Some are failures. Some are strong. Some are weak. Some are victims. Some are perpetrators. But their humanity is the common denominator that stretches across the whole crew. It's the only one that you should consider.

Worse yet, are the 12-steppers who blame genes for drinking, eating, sex, gambling-- anything they aren't strong enough to control. This cult is the ultimate in evil. Telling its members they're powerless to control themselves. They have to give themselves up to a "higher power." Just like the cops tell citizens when they go to jail.

This 12-step/victim mentality pervades America. People call for special protection, special laws, because they can't help themselves. Women want laws to prevent men from talking to them (sexually). They don't have the will to tell 'em to fuck off. People stop drinking or drugs completely because they don't have the will to control themselves.

Even worse are the straight-edgers. Those who have never gotten drunk or high, and don't have the courage to do so.

"I don't need that stuff." they say.

They don't need PUNK ROCK either, but they like it. We drink, fuck and take drugs not because we NEED to, but because we WANT to. (I'm using this as an example, of course. I'd never really do anything illegal.) Because it gives us pleasure, adventure, comraderie. The same reasons you go to punkrock shows. People who refuse to do these things without having tried them are cowards. They condemn without knowing. Inside the skin of every straight-edger is a baby wimpering in terror.

4. Aw that Mykel, he's just an old fart, why even bother with him?

As to being an old fart. Well, I am old and I do have a gas problem. But I bet my life is a fuck of a lot better and two fucks of a lot freer than yours.

ENDNOTES:

-->C'mon, toot my horn! dept: I got a bunch of flyers from Vinyl Retentive Products (POB 218174, Columbus OH 43221). They're ads for various videos, including Antiseen, a couple of GG Allin's and Tiny Tim!!! These guys have taste! They didn't send me a promo, however, so I can't tell you how good the stuff is. It's your bet! I'm not gonna tell folks to spend their hard-stolen $20 on something I've never seen!

--> Two thumbs up dept: I recently got a Politically Correct mailing from VCA pictures, a movie house based in California. (9650 De Sotto Ave, Chatsworth CA 91311-9967) The colorful folders announced a "multicultural Sale" how au currant, right? The subtitles tell more: Insatiable interracial boytoys used as human fuckholes! Black studs, white puds! Let's hear it for multiculturalism, mmmmmm boy!

-->Signs of the times dept:

That's from page one of THE STUDENT BODY, a publication of New York University's health services.

What's it talking about? Abortion? Marriage? Sex with an AIDS victim? Nope. They're talkin' TATTOO!! Yep, a whole university-sponsored article on the do's and don'ts of getting yer skin inked.

An acquaintance of mine recently mused, "there is no underground left in the 90s."

Maybe he's right. Or maybe there is one, only we don't know about it. In any case, it sure ain't tattoos!

--> Fuck the censors dept: For net surfers THE DIGITAL FREEDOMNET is archiving censored books, letting folks from all over the world read books that are locally banned. It's a great idea-- I just wonder when they'll get around to the LOOMPANICS CATALOG. Our poor censored friends in the repressive nation of Canada need to look at that thing.

To contact the Freedomnet, you should telnet or gopher to gopher.iia.org. You might wanna ask them about the Loompanics thing.

-->Speaking of Internet & censors dept: They said it couldn't happen, but it looks like there are already cops on our information highway. Dan Gannon (dan.gannon@nwcs.org) has been censored by the NETCOM company for using the Internet to transmit holocaust revision information. The large info provider (800-501-8649) has cancelled his account for posting to newsgroups other than a very restricted number. Now he can't find anyone else to give him one. Maybe he should contact The Digital Freedomnet.

--> I got a letter from Rick along with his STOP HOMOPHOBIA 7-inch. He asked if I'd write something on queer issues or homophobia for a booklet he's doing. Typically, he didn't put his address on the letter. In any case, He's got permission to reprint whatever he'd like from this, or any, column. Just don't take stuff out of context.

That goes for other zinesters too. I'd just like credit and a note where it was printed. By 'zinesters', I mean folks who are printing less than 5000 of their zine. If you've got a larger circulation-- especially if you're making money-- you gotta pay me for the reprint (or at least ASK first, sending a copy of your zine). Send all checks, cash and zines to me at: PO Box 137, Prince St. Station, NYC 10012-0003

-->PWA award: This month the Punks With Attitude award goes to Nervous Clown Zine (c/o Aric Calfee, 100 4th St (#3), Hackettstown NJ 07840) It's the first issue of a great zine. Kinda reminds me of a full size version of SICK TEEN with less writing. Cut and paste, no band pictures, nasty reviews and a hilarious fake interview with OFFSPRING.

Zine: .... You guys DO make some shitty music, don't ya.

Offspring: I know, I know, and I'm sorry....

-->Powerless alternative dept: I read about a group called Rational Recovery (Box 800, Lotus CA 95651). They try to help folks with alcohol or drug problems who don't want to become meeting addicts or give their free will up to "a higher power." I don't know a lot about them, but the little I've read makes 'em sound a whole lot better than the 12-step cult.

-->Promo of the month dept: From the Gods at Epitaph comes the Red Aunts CD. I haven't listened to it yet, but it doesn't matter. It's packed in a black heart-shaped box with a Red Aunts sticker. Somebody's cool idea for making their promo stick out from the pack. 10 more points for Epitaph!

-end-

=

back to "You're Wrong Index"