YOU'RE WRONG 

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

It was more unexpected than a nudist at a fashion show. The phone rings. The machine answers and Ben Weasel's voice husks over the speaker.

"Your last column pissed me off." says Ben.

I pick up the phone.

"Why?" I ask. "I didn't say anything about you."

"It's that April Fools MTV stuff," he says.

"Why would that piss you off?" I ask, "I do it every year."

"I know," he replies. "This one was funny and all... What pisses me off is not the column, but the fact that people will believe it. It makes me mad that folks are so stupid."

A month before, when I modemed in my column, Tim told me, "Mykel, nobody will believe you're gonna be a VJ. People aren't that dumb."

When the column appeared, a straight-edger posted on the internet about a campaign to "boycott MRR." How come? "They let an MTV sellout like Mykel Board continue to write for them." Given the general intellectual level of straight-edgers, it seems like Ben was right.

But hold on, my pal Dallas from the band, THORAZINE, fell for it too; hook, line and Gap ad. Dallas is a bright guy. He develops computer systems. Other smart people sent messages of support and surprise. What was going on?

Well, both Tim and Ben were right-- and wrong. People believed the column. But not because they're dumb, but because I'm a good liar. That's what writing's all about, making lies convincing, believable.

When I lie, you learn about it the next month. Most folks never tell.

So for this month, I wanna teach you buckaroos an important life skill. That's how to lie. Once you learn it, you'll also know how to spot it-- or at least be suspicious.

Before I give the details, though, I wanna make something clear. There is nothing wrong with lying-- in the right context. Fiction is a lie, with consent of the lied to. Doctors lie to their dying patients. They believe that a patient's knowledge of her impending death would only hasten it. Lovers lie to one another about outside affairs or even lusts. For them, preserving the relationship is more important than preserving some abstract ideal of truth. Pranks are lies. They only become immoral if the prank is not revealed-- or someone is hurt.

But the same tricks used by a doctor, prankster or novelist, can be used by people who intend to deceive and manipulate. They deceive for their own ends: to sell newspapers, please advertisers, further their own nefarious plans. Look at the lies told by Christians, feminists, capitalists, conservatives, all those who think that their particular program is more important than the truth.

You know this is a lie. It sounds like the beginning of a joke. What's the tip-off?

There's no image. It's a vague burst of plot with no texture, no reality. It's a bad lie. Here's how to spruce it up:

RULE #1: MAKE IT SPECIFIC. 'One day,' isn't good enough. It could be any day. It's too close to 'once-upon-a-time.'

Do you think it's an accident that newspaper stories always start with a date and a place? On television, they say "Today." or "Early yesterday." It makes people believe. Give addresses and times. It's more believable.

OK, we'll improve our little story by saying:

We're getting better, but we're still not there. We've got to introduce another trick. That is:

RULE #2: MAKE IT SENSUAL. By sensual, I don't mean erotic-- unless you're writing erotic stuff. Instead, I mean 'stimulating to the senses.'

Put yourself in the scene. What do you see? What do you hear? Smell? Make your readers experience the same sensations.

"You got any watermelon?" asks the black guy.

RULE #3 KILL THE CLICHES-- EVEN IF THEY'RE TRUE: In 1971, I was in an anti-war demonstration in Chicago. Near us were a bunch of pro-war folks, carrying American flags on large pointed poles. Sometime during the demonstration, the pro-war guys attacked. They beat us, using the flags as clubs and spears to drive us away.

When I told my writing teacher about this (Columbia College, Chicago, 1971), he said.

"Mykel, American flags as clubs and spears??? Come on! Nobody will believe that!"

"But it's true!" I protested. "It really happened!"

"True, shmue," answered the teacher. "We often have to change the truth to make it more believable."

When I wrote about my MTV adventure, I could've had the MTV secretary wearing a HENRY ROLLINS or GREEN DAY t-shirt. You wouldn't have believed it. Instead, I put her in a PORNO FOR PYROS t-shirt, an innocuous, slightly alternative band. This made her believable.

"You got any bagels?" asks the black guy.

RULE #4 USE NUMBERS, THEY DAZZLE PEOPLE. Most of the stuff you 'know' is wrong-- especially if you can quantify it. Stat-slinging is the favorite tactic of any number of sleazeballs from Christians to vegetarians. Throw around some numbers and pow! Instant credibility. A statistic, even if from a 'reliable' source, is simply a number created to prove the point of the creator.

Take female employment, please! Everybody 'knows' "a woman gets only 59 percent of what a man receives for doing the same work." Let's look at this.

Women average far fewer hours of yearly work than men do. More women work part-time than men. Women also remain on the job for fewer years, especially married women with children. They have the demands of motherhood and family to juggle with the job. That means, over a lifetime, women will earn much less than men, for the same job. They work less at those jobs.

So, lets look at a truly comparable statistic: people who remain single. In that case, women earn 91 percent of what men make. Even this nine percent difference isn't a sure sign of discrimination. Conditions of employment often require men to do more physically demanding work under the same job title. (A lumber mill worker, for example, could have to move logs, or just push the lever on a sawmill.) The more physically demanding work is often better paid, at least nine percent. The 59% figure, therefore, is technically accurate, but it's a lie.

On another front, the most famous vegistat is that it takes 16 pounds of grain to produce one pound of meat. If that went to feeding people, it would solve world hunger. It's with great joy that I call an animal food statistic, BULLSHIT. Why?

First, the animals exist. If they weren't killed for food, they'd have to be fed even MORE, using more resources! Second, there is already enough food in the world to feed everyone. The problem is distribution, not production. Third, much of what feeds animals is low grade food unfit for human consumption. It's the dregs sold-off rather than thrown out. Do the vegies propose feeding humanity on garbage? They don't say.

So, lets throw some numbers around, ok?

Yep, this is about bagels. Did you know that Jews account for only 27.8% of the bagel eaters? Most (42.5%) belong to other ethic groups, and, of those, the largest proportion consists of Negroes and Hispanics (72%).

Rule #5: USE NAMES AND OTHER PERSONAL DETAILS, BUT DON'T 'KNOW' ANYTHING YOU WOULD HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING.

If I told you that Sam Washington walked into the Deli and spoke with Kim Mai Fuk, I would have no way of knowing that. I'd be tipping my lying hat. If I told you what they were thinking, what their plans were, where they had come from, all that would be obviously false. I could have no access to that information.

On the other hand, if I introduce that through conversation, or another device, my characters take on a depth that lends to their reality.

Yep, this is about bagels. Did you know that Jews account for only 27.8% of the bagel eaters? Most (42.5%) belong to other ethic groups, and of those the largest proportion consists of Negroes and Hispanics (72%).

RULE #6: GET SOME POWERFUL PEOPLE TO BACK YOU UP. Skinheads have known this one for ages. The courts use it all the time.

"I swear, so help me God!" What more powerful agent than God?

You can always use The Government, though that's a bit out of fashion at the moment. 'Government Statistics' or 'Government Reports' usually rate a little higher.

For example, anti-smoking fanatics cite reports that show "second hand smoke" to be a major cancer factor. But look at the studies themselves, even sociologists would be embarrassed the methods.

They found that people who were in families of smokers but did not smoke themselves got cancer more than non-smokers in non-smoking families. So, they brilliantly concluded, second hand smoke causes cancer.

Of course, people in the same family also eat the same foods as each other. They drink the same beverages, use the same artificial sweetener. Many people who smoke, drink a lot of coffee and are on slimming diets. But, of course, it's the SMOKING that causes cancer. Yeah, right.

The anti-porn folks do the same. They also demonstrate another technique of the statistocrats-- picking and choosing. There were two government investigations about the effects of pornography. One was commissioned by President Johnson in the 60s. It's job was to determine the effect of pornography on violence and society in general. The commission concluded there was no relationship between pornography and violence.

The second commission was appointed by President Reagan and run by Attorney General Ed Meese. This commission's job was to "look into the scourge of pornography and determine the best ways to control it." Surprise? This commission found pornography to be "dangerous... leading to violence." Guess which reports the femino-Christian coalition quotes when they're fighting porn?

Besides, God and Government Reports, a useful ally is someone who your audience respects. If, in my MRR column, I cite agreement with Noam Chomsky, people might believe it. If I cite Rush Limbaugh, people would laugh at it. On the other hand, if I were speaking to a group of bankers or construction workers, the reverse would be true.

That about does it for the basics.. Let's take a look at the final lie and see if it's believable:

And, of course, the entire premise of the song, 'Guilty of Being White', was about how certain things are expected about a person, based on ethnicity. Among these things, are eating or not eating bagels.

Get it, buckaroos? Don't trust anybody! Learn the tricks and watch out when other people use 'em. Just 'cause you're smart, doesn't mean you're not a sucker. We all can be suckers. We just have to learn how to make it less likely.

ENDNOTES:

--> Remember that new music TV show I told you about last week? Well, I got more details on it. It's a pay-to-play deal. Kinda expensive, sort of like a TV commercial aimed at a huge Broadcasters' convention in New Orleans. Still, it's cheaper than a normal TV commercial, and you will be seen. If you're interested, and have the budget you can call Curtis at 1-800-489-0877 for more details.

-->Newspaper of Record Dept: If the NY Times reflects (as well as creates) general attitudes, then we're in trouble. Of course that should be no surprise. But it was a surprise how far they've gone with this family values nonsense. Take the April 20 issue... please!

On the first page of section 3 (diabolically enough called the HOME section), there are four articles. One is about how American rich folks buy home furnishings from English castles. Nothing really evil here. But the other three articles:

1. A description of how new church architecture is becoming "friendly and accessible" and how this helps increase church attendance.

2. An article about Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis, two people who's major accomplishment is having stayed married for 46 years.

3. An article about a psychological revolution. A psychologist suggests that families should stay together-- even if the people hate each other-- for the sake of the kids. The article supports the idea.

Sure, The Times is a nice neutral paper without an agenda of its own, right?

--> For those on the Web, you can check out a pretty complete list of indie labels. the address is:

http://www.cs.ucl.ac.uk/staff/twicks/ill/index.html.

Also on the web is a funny, but true article by Ana Marie Cox called GEEK CHIC. It's a engrossing look at how it's becoming fashionable to be a loser; the anti-hero taken one step further. The article was reprinted on the alt.punk usenet group. You can get your own copy from:

Jeezus! I wish folks would make these addresses a little easier.

--> Letter of the month dept: It came in a handwritten envelope postmarked Washington DC. Dear Michael (sic) Board:, it starts, In a few days, I will formally announce my decision to seek reelection as President of the United States. Before meeting with the press, I wanted to contact you personally to give you the news. And before beginning this new campaign, I want to invite you to become a member of the National Steering Committee for my reelection effort. There's more, but you get the picture. Question of the month: Did I join? Answers to POB 137, Prince St. Sta, NYC 10012 or my new email address: seidbd@ix.netcom.com.

--> White peril dept: I got a notice from Explosion Works Co. Ltd, (3F LOG Bld 344-5, Tamabuki-cho, Shinjuku-ku, Tokyo 162 Japan). They want to expose US and other foreign bands to the Japanese. They're looking for bands to put on their demo CDs and write about in their magazine. All bands who send them a tape, record or CD (along with a bio and photo) will appear in their magazine. The ones who 'inspire' them will be included on their next compilation. Your only cost is the postage to send the stuff, so waddaya got to loose?

--> One of the myths about drug use is that it makes you incapable of being responsible. You can't work or take care of a family, they say. Now there's an evil group that wants to make this true. Called "Drugs Don't Work," they promote a crackdown on drug users in the workplace-- even though these people might be as efficient as anyone else. They DO have an 800 number though. So you can give 'em a call and tell 'em what you think. It's 800-883-DRUG.

--> More on the 800 front dept: Am I the only one who finds this sinister? If you have lists of homosexuals to sell, you can phone 800-GAY-NAMES and negotiate. Strange: a central collection point to identify homosexuals with names, addresses, and phone numbers. Supposedly, this is for companies who want to sell pink sheets and the like. To me, it sounds like a scenario for the final round-up. Anyway, I hope folks have called to add Jesse Helms, Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich to the list. If there's gonna be a round-up, I want them to go with the rest of us.

--> Credit where it's due dept: An especially evil aspect of major labels is their caving in to the Mothers of Prevention, music censors. Yeah, record labelling, a main reason not to sign to a major.

Well, the group PARADE OF LOSERS on Giant/Warner Bros has nearly beat the system. Their warning label says: "WARNING! This album contains words that might be considered FUCKING OFFENSIVE!" The word fucking on the sticker is partially covered with a sticker saying "this sticker contains words that might be considered offensive." Very funny and a nice bite at the hand that feeds 'em.

-end-

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