YOU'RE WRONG 

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

--Tom Fehey in The Joys of Jargon

--Webster in the dictionary

--Mykel Board in the second grade

It could be more fun than being the fluffer on a lesbian movie. By the time you read this, I'll be off teaching English in Outer Mongolia. I'll be living in a Russian-made apartment with intermittent electricity in a town where the AVERAGE temperature is freezing.

It's a country with no private phone or mail service. There are few gasoline vehicles and fewer roads. They eat boiled lamb fat with fermented mare's milk to wash it down. Sound like fun? Not to you, maybe. Me? I like adventure a fuck of a lot more than comfort. Mongolia'll sure gonna beat staying home and watching Boston choke in September.

Sorry to disappoint you, buckaroos, but I'll still be writing columns from there. I may miss a month or two, but I'll get through somehow.

Teaching English is and will be my main source of income. The money I get for writing this column is barely enough to pay for gas and upkeep on my Porsche. So it's fitting to devote this last American column to some problems in English. Specifically, I wanna talk about BUZZWORDS. Those little bits of faddish English that people use to sound like they know what they're talking about. Single words that are supposed to answer a myriad of questions and cover every situation.

One of my favorites is IN DENIAL. You hear it everywhere, from the cultists of Alcoholics Anonymous to the witch hunters trying to dig out "child molesters." The term must've been invented by a religious group or government agency. It's a perfect trap.

If someone accuses you of being a drug addict, a rape victim, a rapist or who-knows-what-else, you have two choices. Either you admit it, in which case you're in their clutches. Or, you deny it, in which case your denial makes you IN DENIAL. Being IN DENIAL, of course, is a symptom of the thing you're denying. That makes you guilty of that thing. It's the logic of the Spanish Inquisition. How do you plead? Guilty or guilt

People tell me that I'm an alcoholic, drug addict, a person molested in his childhood, a sex addict, a homosexual, a heterosexual, a sadist, a masochist, AND a misogynist. How do these people know I'm all this? I deny it! That's how. It never occurs to the IN-DENIAL-lovers that the reason someone may deny something is that it simply isn't true.

Another annoying buzzword, one especially popular among feminists and others opposed to free speech, is OPPRESS. I'm not allowed to say Negro, Girl, Oriental, or Indian, because these words OPPRESS people. They passed a law in Minneapolis, a hellhole of liberal totalitarianism. It says any city worker caught staring at a member of the opposite sex (as if there were an "opposite sex") for more than 9 seconds is guilty of ogling. (OGLING, now there's a buzzword in the making.) The crime carries with it immediate dismissal from your job. Why? Ogling OPPRESSES, don't you know?

The dictionary, the second-to-last refuge of scoundrels, lets the oppression-sayers get away with their stupidity. American Heritage gives the definition as "to weigh heavily upon, especially so as to depress the mind or spirits." By this definition, a movie about concentration camps OPPRESSES people. It does make 'em depressed. But I bet no one will fire you for watching one.

That, however, is only the number two meaning of the word. The more common definition (listed first) is " to subjugate or persecute by unjust or tyrannical use of force or authority." This is the kind of OPPRESSION practiced by military dictators when they murder their opposition-- or by college administrations when they dismiss students for "inappropriate laughter" at a racial or gender situation.

Words do not oppress. Ideas do not oppress. Only action, wielded with authority, oppresses. People quickest to call every comic gesture or non-prescribed word 'oppression' are the quickest to call for REAL oppression in dealing with it.

Next buzz on our buzzword list is EXPLOITED. I can't imagine that Wattie knew what he was getting into when he invented that word.

In modern usage, EXPLOITED means "to be doing something that I don't approve of." This logic can say a waitress who works for two dollars an hour six days a week is "employed with dignity" and a three hundred dollar a night prostitute is EXPLOITED.

This logic can say children enjoying sexual play are EXPLOITED, while children forced to attend indoctrination centers (aka schools) are "being educated."

This logic can say pictures of exposed vaginas EXPLOITS women, while regulations prohibiting that exposure "frees" them.

It's the twisted buzzword logic of Newspeak. And folks accept it without blinking.

If EXPLOIT is the scumbag of modern buzzwords, then EMPOWER is the buttplug. We hear how closed stroking groups, where people sit in a circle telling each other how great they are, EMPOWERS those people. We hear how people, whose only relationship is a shared feeling of victimhoom-- are EMPOWERED by talking about their OPPRESSION.

RIOT GRRRRRLS complaining about their boyfriends, trying to pick each other up and making zines read by other RIOT GRRRRLS are EMPOWERED by all this.

Laws forcing homos to join hets in the state/church binding institution of marriage EMPOWER them. Negroes are EMPOWERED when they too, can put on a white shirt and tie and push papers from one side of a desk to another. Women are EMPOWERED if they're forbidden by law to expose their naked bodies to a camera.

I'm waiting for the first TV commercial (a car? a laundry detergent? Henry Rollins with an Apple computer?) that'll claim its product will EMPOWER the person who buys it.

Next on the list of most-hated buzzwords are a pair. Each side embraces a term. Each side lies using it. I mean PRO-CHOICE and PRO-LIFE.

These guys must've been reading those "How To Succeed In Business" books:

Also, don't be PRO anything that other people might be against. Pick a term wishy-washy enough to play with everyone from moms in Peoria to strippers in Los Vegas. Avoid anything that smacks of MEANING. Be careful, or you might find yourself in the position of actually having to DEFEND a word with meaning. Instead, choose something innocuous, as American as apple pie. No one will ever ask you to defend that.

So let's take two empty vague words that are as American as puking at a frat party: LIFE and CHOICE. Who could be against either one of 'em? Let's take a closer look, though.

Given the abortion doctor shootings, PRO-LIFE, is a pretty strange term to give the anti-abortionists.

Of course, that's just one group of extremists, they say. You can't paint the whole PRO-LIFE movement with bullets from an extremist's gun.

It's more basic than that, I reply.

If, as is the case with most PRO-LIFERs, a mother's life is LESS important than an unaborted fetus, there isn't an absolute PRO-LIFE. There is only a choice between WHOSE life.

The so-called pro-lifers chose the fetus. Why? The fetus hasn't been baptized, Its soul hasn't been saved. The mother is already assured of her place in heaven. So PRO-LIFE is really PRO-CHRISTIAN. Life be damned.

On the other side, what could be more innocuous-- and meaningless-- than CHOICE?

Morton Downy Jr. sound-wires his 15 year old daughter and sends her to a Planned Parenthood clinic.

"I'm fifteen," she tells the counsellor, "I'm pregnant and want to know what to do about it. I want to have the baby, but I don't know how to tell my parents."

"You don't need to have the baby," says the councillor. "We can get you an abortion."

"But I'd rather find a way to go through with it," says the girl."

"At your age?" says the councillor, "It would ruin your life."

Ok, you say, that's just one time, one case. You can't paint the whole PRO-CHOICE movement with one Morton Downey paintbrush.

It's more basic than that, I reply.

There is a difference between being PRO- something and being FORCE-IT-ON. I'm PRO-BLOWJOB. I like 'em and would like more of 'em. That doesn't mean I'm PRO-ORAL-RAPE. I don't have the right to ram my erection down random vocal cavities.

Being PRO-ABORTION entails being pro-choice, just like being Pro anything else entails being pro-choice. Pro-Abortionists think abortion is good-- or at least a better alternative than birth to unwanted pregnancy. They also ENCOURAGE abortions. PRO-CHOICE is just a sloppy buzzword to appeal to the APPLE PIE crowd who might fidget at the word ABORTION.

Finally, I wanna look at the "IST" words: SEXIST, RACIST, AGEIST, and lately LOOKSIST, ABLEIST, CLASSIST, and my favorite SIZEIST.

There are lots of -IST words in English: Socialist, Communist, Capitalist, Anarchist. With these political words, the meaning is clear. Someone who believes in the philosophy espoused before the 'ist.'

Meanings are different-- and vaguer-- with the other -ISTS. A general, and logical meaning for them would be, "An X-ist is someone who prefers one person over another on the basis of X." This is not the way things work, however. For some reason, only those who invent the terms have a right to define them. They define them to apply only to other and not themselves. Not only that, but the meanings expand to cover odd concepts completely unrelated to the core idea of judgement.

If I use "Negro" or "Oriental," I'm a RACIST, regardless of my attitude toward those groups. Making a general statement about any group-- even if it's non-judgmental-- is an -IST offence.

(Donny The Punk told me people often criticize him as racist because he says that colored men have larger penises than white men. Even if he's right, it doesn't make any difference, say his accusers. He's still racist.)

SEXIST has taken an even wilder turn than racist. Through the influence of feminism-- and Christians grabbing the ball and fucking with it-- SEX has become sexist. Nudity, pictures of people fucking, even (according to the Dworkin crew) fucking itself, is sexist.

There is a good case to be made that both hetero and homo sexuality is inherently sexist. After all, these groups do choose their partners on the basis of gender (sex). But it's not the sex that's SEXIST, it's the choosing.

Ok buckaroos, I'd like to write more, but I gotta pack and get ready for the trek to the end of the earth. I wish I had time to talk about other buzzwords I hate, like ALTERNATIVE, FASCIST and CUTTING EDGE. I don't.

Remember, don't cheer if you find me missing from an issue or two. It only means the mail yak hasn't arrived from the plains yet. I'll be back. You can bet on it.

ENDNOTES:

--> Why me dept: I got this email from Jordan who writes: I was driving down a street near this local mall and I saw what looked to be a baby-doll in the road with strawberry jelly all over its head and along side it on the road. I pulled over into a nearby parking lot...and walked out to it. I know how utterly full of shit this sounds but I have no doubt in my mind that it was a real fucking baby. You could see inside its skull cavity. Little chips of its skull were lying on the street covered in blood. The sight of the hair on the thing's skull all oily with blood and brains made me feel sick. I have never seen a dead human before...I don't know. I just had to tell someone. Maybe I should have called the cops, but I just don't know.

Weird, huh. But maybe I'm a sucker, because I believe it. Anyway, if you want to write to Jordan to find out the bloody details, you can email him at jsomers@pro-charlotte.vnet.net.

--> It hurts when you're always right dept: An unmentionable source has sent me a report of a new organization started by leftwinger C. Deloris Tucker and rightwinger Bill Bennett. The former is active in feminist causes; the latter, a former drugwar Czar under Bush.

Why has this 'unlikely' pair joined forces-- "to help combat today's rock and rap music, as well as its corporate sponsors." Yep, more pushes toward censorship, coming from both sides. All in the name of "protecting kids."

"We may disagree on politics, but when it comes to children, we are together" said Ms. Tucker.

--> Another reason not to do Windows dept: This sounds like one of those urban myths, or corporate rumors like the worms in the McDonalds hamburgers. But I like it, so I'll pass it on.

Reports are that Microsoft has included a "small viral routine" in it's new version of Windows. It's called "Registration Wizard." It checks every program you have to make sure, if it's Microsoft's, that it's not a bootleg. It then reports this to Microsoft when you electronically register the product. If this is true, I just hope the record companies don't figure out how to do the same thing!! Yikes!

--> Hypocrisy or middle age dept: I find myself in the extremely weird position of having a girlfriend. Folks might remember my rant against 'relationships' in that special issue of MRR. No explanations or excuses at the moment. Only the observation that I'll be spending a year in Mongolia without her, and it'll be pretty cold there.

In any case, the boy responsible for her is my pal, Joseph Gervasi. (Although my poor hearing also helped the relationship. Details in another column.) Anyway, Joseph does the controversial zine NO LONGER A FANZINE (142, Frankford Ave, Blackwood NJ 08012). The newest issue is a co-op with FUCKTOOTH, filled with controversy of its own. Send him $5 to find out what I'm talking about. It's worth it.

-->Press release of the month dept: This one comes from MOTORMOUTHMEDIA. It's one sheet that says: You are in possession of the ultra-cool RED HOT & BOTHERED indie rock guide to dating, listening to tracks from BUILT TO SPILL, EAST RIVER PIPE, FREEDOM CRUISE, FOLKS IMPLOSION... blah blah blah. The rest is equally incoherent- especially since I'm not "in possession of" anything except the press release. Incoherence, however is not the most fun part.

That is the authors' urge to: Call MOTORMOUTHMEDIA NOW for a copy and immerse yourself in issue #2 to find out "if you can f*ck to indie rock."

"Indie Rock" that uses asterisks in 'fuck'? Check the envelope: there, in big letters, WARNER BROS. I call them.

"Hello, I have a question about this MOTORMOUTH stuff." I say.

"Who are you?" comes the answer. "I have to look you up on my computer."

"Will the answer change depending on who I am?" I ask.

"Er.. not at all," comes the answer, "I just have to input you in my computer. What would you like to know?

"I'd like to know how come you call this whatever it is 'Indie Rock' when Warner Brothers is on the envelope in big letters."

"Well, we're distributed by Warner Brothers," he says, "but not Warner Brothers really. It's a company called ADA. That is an offshoot of Reprise which is a subsidiary of Warner Brothers."

"Did you know that Indie stands for INDEPENDENT, and that means unaffiliated with a major label?" I ask.

"Of course," he says, "everybody knows that. And the bands on the record are all independent.... Well, except BUILT TO SPILL, who signed to Warners... but all the other bands are indie."

"But the record you're promoting is pressed and distributed by a major, right?"

"Right" he says, "that doesn't mean it's not indie."

I hang up. But you might want to talk to the guy too. Tell him what YOU think of the whole deal. As Motormouth, I'm sure he loves to talk. You can call him at 213-856-9021 or email him at motrmouth2@aol.com or even send a fax or two to 213-856-0541. Have fun!

--> Where'd you go dept: A while back this guy, Nate Bedarta, wrote to me giving me his email address. I finally answered, but the mail bounced! Ah well, at least he'll know I tried!

Also Hanna Fushihara wrote me saying she was doing a zine article and wanted to interview "folks who think Asian girls are special." Wonder why she asked me, huh? In any case, by the time I got around to answering, the phone was disconnected.

Of course, there's nothing you can do about it now. I'm off in Ulan Bataar. But if you still remember me in 1996, write again.

-end-

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