YOU'RE WRONG 

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

[This one's shorter than usual. (That's what she said!) I gotta backlog of endnotes to clean up. I need the space. Email subscribers (mykelB@ix.netcom.com) get even more endnotes. Right now, I gotta get thus one out! (That's what he said.)]

Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that President Clinton wishes he had? A: A dead girlfriend.....

I'm better positioned than a Clinton cigar. I begin this column on the day of the impeachment vote. It's also the day American "inspectors" leave Iraq. What a coincidence! I expect more dog-wagging. Videos of nice tight explosion patterns. Blood seeping, limbs flying, and flags at half mast, all because of that cigar misadventure. Clinton is an asshole. He'll trade lives to save the rest of his ass. But, if he weren't an asshole, would he be president in the first place? I know. There was Jimmy Carter. But how long did he last?

My fellow liberals cry at the prospect of a presidential impeachment for a little blowjob. Me too, at first. But after an email message from my conservative/libertarian pal Irwin, I've changed my mind.

Why? As long as Congress and the Whitehouse involve themselves with this stupidity-- they're not going to do anything else. As long as they don't do anything else, we don't have to worry about an anti-flag burning amendment, forced school prayers, internet censorship, an end to federal parole, and hundreds of other minor and not so minor legislative offenses.

You see, Congress'll be too busy to do any damage.

As a side benefit, the Republicans dig themselves into a hole. By stalling as much as possible, the Democrats can build up public anger. It hurt the elephants last election. Lets hope it'll do more damage the next one. It's not that I love the Democrats, I just FEAR the Republicans more.

I have an awful record on predictions, though. So who knows?

Maybe Clinton will bomb Iraq to draw attention from impeachment, Then the Iraqis will fight back using international terrorism.

A few chemicals in some water supplies. The Washington Monument launched like a rocket at the CIA headquarters. Dick Armey castrated. POW! BLAM! I mean a REAL war, not a Persian Gulf training exercise. An Iraqi wave of terrorism would solidify the flag waving Republicans behind the president.

"Mr. President, we stand behind you. Unify the allies and fight the terrorists."

Terrorism, like drugs and kiddie porn, is an excuse for anything! People will accept the worst harassment, worst restrictions, worst loss of freedom to rid the world of terrorists. Clinton could out flag-wave the flag-wavers. Out war- monger the war mongers. Call for an all out Sadaam ouster.

Mobilize everything. India will join the US. Pakistan, in support of its Muslim brethren, will support Iraq. Pakistan will bomb India-- atomic bomb. India will retaliate. The US will bomb both to put an end to it. Besides, those countries are prime world headquarters for heroin and smut production. Didn't you know?

If Clinton is lucky, there will be a tremendous and continuous loss of life. Impeachment will seem petty compared to saving "our boys" and US citizens everywhere from the horrors Clinton himself started. It could last two years, by that time Clinton's term will be over. Impeachment will be moot, and we start all over.

Maybe we'll get a string of impeachments. First Clinton.

Then, a Republican. Then, a Democrat. Then another Republican.

Every new pres will face with this or that scandal. It'll be tit for tat as Republicans go against Democrats until there are so many bloody tits and tats that nobody will want the job.

By the time you read this, all this will be history. You'll know-- or at least have a better idea of-- which has come to pass. In any case, it's exciting. War and impeachment: violence and sex, yow! Punk government! Who wudda thunk it?

********************

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with his dick?

A: Both were once pointed sharply towards the left but are now aimed directly at the center.

************************

Hey there, it's amazing how things change in such a little time. In the few days since I wrote the stuff above, Clinton has bombed Iraq, killed a lot of people, and been impeached. There have been no terrorist incidents.

Of course, if the bombing had REALLY hit germ and chemical warfare plants, those germs and chemicals would now be infecting the general Iraqi population. They're not? Wow, what a surprise!

At least George Bush took the time to get UN resolutions, build an international consensus. and get the local Arabs to support the invasion. Clinton did none of that. Although he claimed that he was fighting to enforce a "UN Resolution," the UN did not ask for, or even endorse his action. Real motives are obvious.

My opinion has changed during the last few days. The reality of those murders. The continued attacks. The general stupidity of Americans jumping to his support. That man deserves to be thrown out of office. "Throw the bum out!" I say. I just hope it takes a real long time to do it.

************************

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

****************************

Whoops another change! I'd better email this in quickly or I'll never be able to stop writing it! This time it looks like the Senate is going to "compromise." There'll be a mini-trial and then a censure. Clinton will have to admit he lied, and maybe even pay a fine. I wonder where the money will go.

After that, they can all get back to their regular business of fucking up the country. Even worse, it looks like the press is gearing up for another attack on Iraq. My guess is that this time Clinton is gonna kill Sadaam, thus making him (Clinton) a hero in the eyes of American idiots. And making Sadaam a hero (martyr) in the eyes of Arab idiots.

My pal Julien thinks there will be some attack by North Korea on the day scheduled for the Senate trial. I don't know if Clinton can arrange that. He did manage to blow up some American Embassies in Africa on the day of the Starr report. I wouldn't put it past him. Still, it's more likely for there to be a sudden terrorist incident inside the US (much easier to engineer).

Clinton can then look presidential when he takes command, routes out the terrorists, and again makes life safe for cigar smokers.

ENDNOTES:

--> I haven't been there in awhile, but, like the Empire State Building, I'm glad it's there when I need it. I'm talking about ABC NO RIO. You know, New York's art punk space where you can drink as long as it's not from glass! I saw MDC, Spitboy, Tribe 8, NO FX, and tons of other bands there. They are cool!

They also need money! To keep from being taken over by the city, they gotta come up with $150,000 soon. Every dollar helps!

You can send yours to: ABC NO RIO, 156 Rivington St., New York NY 10002.

--> Mike Russell is a young guy who finds himself both gay and in a "therapy" school. Read that "quasi reform school." The school has rules like "One earring ok, but not two." Read that "huh?"

Mike sounds lonely and wanting to talk. I write him, but not often enough. Why don't you? He's at 19 Fairview St., Bennington VT 95201. Don't put weird shit on the envelope, or he might never get it.

--> More stupid science tricks dept: For those science/scientific method defenders among you, I offer this report from the HEALTH PROFESSIONAL NETWORK entitled "Study: Chocolate Lovers May Live Longer" Here's an excerpt:

"A study of 7,841 Harvard male graduates found that chocolate and candy eaters-- regardless of how voracious their appetite for goodies-- live almost a year longer than those who abstain."

Question of the day: what's wrong with drawing a conclusion that "Chocolate increases longevity?" Although this report did not do this, it IMPLIED that strongly, talking about chocolate "antioxidant chemicals" and how that might be a factor.

Of course, the report ignored that people NOT eating chocolate and other candy might do that because they feel they're at health risk. In other words, the people eating the junkfood were more likely to live longer in the first place. That's why they feel secure enough to risk eating that crap. Science! What bullshit! It's as bad as religion.

--> Just say no to drugs dept: I got this from the internet somewhere:

A bunch of things all happened during the last two years.

The FDA has approved more drugs, faster than every before. Drug companies now advertise more to drug-takers than to doctors.

Managed care costs, especially pharmacy costs, have risen faster than Clinton's dick.

Coincidence? Not likely.

The FDA set records in 1996 and 1997 for the number of new drugs approved. The average approval time in 1997 was 14 months.

Faster than in '96 and '95. Of new drugs approved in 1996 and 1997, 92 were "New Molecular Entities" that had never been approved for use in the US. 18 were priority products that the FDA approved within a maximum of 6 months. Many of these products are for HIV and cancer, but also for asthma, migraine, MS, diabetes, osteoporosis, thrombosis, and Alzheimer's.

Consumer advertising spending for prescription drugs increased by 41% in 1997 to almost $1 billion. In 1997, there were 79 prescription drugs promoted in consumer ads compared with only 10 in 1990.

Spending on this kind of advertising for 1998 was close to $1.6 billion, a 60% increase over 1997. Last year direct-to- swallower advertising ranked thirteenth in revenue. That's about the same as computers, hotels, and resorts.

Now, what's the relationship? Advertising builds demand.

Higher demand means higher prices. It also means more pressure on the government to approve drugs quicker. It's good for the economy, you know. Of course, there have been more drugs pulled OFF the market in the last 5 years, than in the 10 years before.

Most after having caused death. Maybe Clinton should drop them on Iraq.

-->What's a civil liberty anyway dept: The Centers for Disease Control put out guidelines for HIV cases. They recommend reporting the names of people who test positive for HIV rather than using an anonymous system.

It's obvious that mandatory names reporting discourages people from getting tested for HIV. I've urged you not get tested for some time now. NOW, there's another reason.

So far, ten states have stopped anonymous testing after starting names reporting. Yours is next.

The ACLU has a cool FREE FAX service where you can send a fax the government complaining about the HIV policy. I don't know if they'll let you say that in any way you like. Maybe they censor.

You can reach the free fax web site at: http://www.aclu.org/congress/congress.html

-->Also on the personal freedom front: Somebody is finally getting on the Civil Asset Forfeiture case. This is also from the ACLU:

Imagine that the police had the right to seize your property -- your home, your car, your business, your cash -- and you hadn't even been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime.

Believe it or not, under the law of civil asset forfeiture, such conduct by the police is perfectly legal.

Currently asset forfeiture is used by federal law enforcement officials as a dream way to fill their coffers by seizing assets allegedly used in a crime. But asset forfeiture has become a nightmare for many Americans who have been accused of a crime but have not been proven guilty. Often even when the accused citizens are found innocent, they face an expensive struggle with government bureaucrats to recover their property.

Many times they are unsuccessful in ever recovering it.

In anticipation of action on this critical issue in the upcoming Congress, the ACLU has purchased an ad in the New York Times to raise public awareness and mobilize grassroots action.

You can see a copy of the ad and send a FREE FAX to your members of Congress by visiting the ACLU web site at: http://www.aclu.org/features/nytimesad121198.html

--> Early spurts dept: Like ejaculation, premature correctness can be smugly annoying. After I've been saying it for 20 years, homotude, bisex, and even feminism have begun to hump on the pro- sex bandwagon. They've begun to praise porn, and even sex itself.

They've organized pro-porn conferences, and pro-sex seminars. All well and good, but what gets me is that they're acting like they invented it! When in truth, I did!

-->Still great to be an American dept: Although, in many ways, Holland is a freer country that the US, there are certain areas where Uncle Sam still has the advantage. Peter, a Dutch email pal, wrote me, "Today, the 9th of December, the Dutch court ruled that it is forbidden to doubt or discuss the authenticity of the Anne Frank diaries. If you do, you'll pay a serious fine. The thought police here in Central Europe (Holland, Belgium, Germany...) are doing their work very well."

Now Peter, does YOUR sending me that email message constitute "discussion?" If so, what'll give me not to turn you in.

His point is well-taken. I'm therefore changing my terminology. Instead of "change from above," I'll now call it "external change." That means language change IMPOSED, because people say "you're supposed to talk that way." This is, in linguistic terms "prescriptive change."

My old "change from below," I'll now call "internal change." That is, change that a person chooses to make by adopting the language of those around her. Linguists call this "descriptive change."

-->Oh yeah, all the Clinton jokes were copped from an email message. I lost the writer's address though. Sorry.

-->Real Reasons Dept: A guy named Howard Zinn has a nice webpage entitled "10 REAL REASONS" to impeach Clinton. He mentions a lot more than I do in this column. You can read them for yourself at: http://www.accuracy.org/zinn.

-->Waddaya think dept: The Digital Freedom Network (http://www.dfn.org)   gives a voice to those whose native country suppresses dissidence. That's a good motive. But their choice of dissidents has me wondering. They choose Cuba and China, but don't include Israel. In Europe they have Russia & Yugoslavia, but not Germany. In "The Americas" they have Puerto Rico, but not Texas or Florida. It may have been just the time I picked. They could, in fact, be even handed. In any case, it's a site worth watching.

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