You know how when you're giving a blowjob your attention shifts. Your focus narrows exactly to the task and sensations at hand. You become keenly aware of the flesh probing your mouth. You feel the spongy head as it presses against the back of your throat.

Every vein is a roadmap for your tongue. You press it upwards and can feel each pimple, each ridge.

You bring your hand up to play with the balls beneath. You feel their consistency, their weight.

You feel them pull tight, almost resisting your playful fingers as you use your tongue to explore the flesh growing harder and thicker within your mouth.

You feel your teeth, pressed against your lips, as you curl them under to prevent biting or scraping. You feel a throbbing. A pressing. The hands tighten on the back of your head. The time has come.

Those things you know in detail. Yet, there is more you lose. You lose track of the fat flabs bouncing against the top of your head. You're no longer aware of the sagging buttocks or how poorly wiped is that anal fissure where you rest your left hand.

Above you, the facial jowls, the sucking sound of his tongue against his false teeth are lost. Your concentration restricts itself to a narrow range of sensuality.

Your only focus is those six or seven inches sliding in and out of your mouth. A delicious viscosity as the semen strikes and slides down your throat. Then, it's over.

***************

I open two jars of ginkgo pills and pull out the cotton. These days three pills come in a jars big enough to put my head in. The rest is cotton. I separate this material into four equal piles. Then I stuff each one into the space between my cheek and jaws. Two upper. Two lower.

Next it's the false mustache, left from a joke gift from George before my last trip to Thailand.

Finally, it's a Boston baseball hat. If there's one piece of clothing that no one this side of hell would expect to see me in, it's a Boston baseball hat.

The disguise is complete. I'm ready. Even if my friends see me go in, they'll never know it. I walk to and enter Barnes and Noble.

A clerk stands near the door. A young white guy, dressed in a dorky uniform that makes his bad complexion stand out like moon rocks. He exudes stupidity. I bet he's taken the job because the local gas station had no openings. He probably had to settle for less pay.

Jeff Bale used to complain about the affirmative action hirees at the Library of Congress.

"They don't know a thing about books," he said.

"They have no business being there."

Affirmative shmaffirmative, I say. Here's this white guy, dumber than a football-lover, with as much love of books as I have for Andrea Dworkin.

It's not affirmative action that's the problem. It's the low pay. It discourages anyone who can read.

"Can you show me the Jew History section?" I ask the clerk.

"I'm sorry," he says, "I didn't understand that."

"Jew history," I repeat. "You know, Jews, like in black hats and curly sideburns? History, like in what happened before now?"

"Well," he says, "we have a History section.

But that's got mostly things like wars and old presidents."

"That's not what I'm looking for." I tell him.

"We also have a Judaica section," he pronounces it "Jew-da-EE-ka."

"OK," I tell him, "I'll try that one.

He points to a free-standing section around a pillar, in the center of the store. I thank him and head over there. He walks away, hopefully to the Hooked on Phonics books.

This being New York, there's lots of stuff in this section. There are two sides around the pillar.

Each side has two bookcases. Each bookcase has eight shelves. That's a total of 32 shelves. Along the top are large display books. Mostly picture books.

They're a mixed lot. Books about Bar Mitzvahs, Israel, Jewish Holidays, and of course The Holocaust.

I don't count any of these. There's also a section of religious or prayer books, including one or two in Hebrew. I discount these too. That leaves twenty-eight shelves. Two of those shelves are "inspirational." Books like "How to be a Jewish Grandmother" and "Ethical Problems in Jewish Life." I figure there are about two shelves worth of these.

I won't count them either. They're not history.

I decide to consider the remaining twenty-six shelves as history, although some things are questionable. Of those twenty- six shelves, books about The Holocaust or some other form of anti- Jewishness fill twenty-two of them. With Einstein, Lenny Bruce, Spinoza... with Canaan, Moses and four thousand years, the Holocaust is Jewish history.

With a focus narrower than your blowjob, Jews have destroyed their history, their pride, their uniqueness and turned themselves into victims.

I write about Jews first, because I'm a Jew.

This isn't, however, limited to Jews. Take a walk around the evil (book) empire and you'll see Women's Studies, Gay Studies, Irish History and slews of other works. Most of them will be stories of victims.

Why choose this focus? Why look at yourself, identify with only the receiving of death, pain and humiliation?

Actually there are reasons. First, it's easy.

You don't have to do anything to be a victim. Just stand there, and let things happen. No problem. It's the path of least resistance. The easiest way to be a club member. No effort. Your dues were paid by others, long (or not so long) dead, raped or tortured.

Second, we have such an ingrained idea against "blaming the victim," that once you assume the role, no one can blame you. You can do the most stupid things. You can show hate, racism, complete idiocy.

When someone calls you on it, you claim they're "blaming the victim." Americans (other than Camille Paglia and a few mean-spirited right-wingers) don't realize that sometimes victims DESERVE to be blamed.

Especially when those "victims" are people who never suffered the crimes themselves. Instead, they live off the pain of others, claiming it for their own, exploiting it for their own ends.

Sure, being a victim is easy, and powerful.

It's also a trap. Victims are so focused on their victimhood that they're paralysed. Once a victim actually does something, moves on to doing, acts out of creativity, desire, or pure balls, she is no longer a victim. You can't feel sorry for a success.

You can't spread guilt if you're happy. Move beyond the passive status and you're out of the club. How can you call on others to protect you, when all of a sudden, you can protect yourself?

One of my idols is a feminist. You heard me right, though you probably won't have heard of her.

Victoria Woodhill was a prostitute. She was also the first woman to run for president, fifty years before women could vote. The victim-feminists ran her out of town. Actually, she they made sure the government threw her in jail. Her "sins" (in other words, her freedom) were a disgrace to womanhood.

Today, people like Annie Sprinkle valiantly try to hold the banner of "I am MORE than a victim." Where are the others?

Sure there are victims, real victims: Kitty Genovese, raped in a New York street, while no one came to her aid. Matthew Shepherd, killed because he came on to some Wyoming losers. Jews gassed because they were Jews. Negroes arrested and beaten because they are Negroes. I don't deny this or excuse it. If there's a way to keep our rights and prevent these evils, I support it.

But the existence of real victims does not mean anyone who shares a characteristic with them, is one. It doesn't mean that the homotude, womanheit, or Jewness of a person is DEFINED by being a victim.

I'm not against real victims. I'm against the FOCUS on being a victim. That focus is like the focus on the inside of your mouth during a blowjob.

It pushes everything else away from your consciousness. Like the blowjob it makes you lose track of the body its attached to. It narrows your concentration, makes you one-dimensional, and passive.

When I give a blowjob, I blow the whole body.

When I reach around to pull tighter, I don't want to feel a hairy back. I don't want blubber bouncing against my head. I'll feel it. I don't want dingleberries crowding around an unwiped sphincter.

I'll know they're there.

Giving a good blowjob takes my whole body. My senses widen. I hear the short breaths and soft moans. I feel my own hand jerking my own flesh in furious time to my own sucking. I widen my focus. My whole body sings. My nipples feel the air. My own sphincter tightens as I slide my finger into someone else's. I'm more than a mouth.

That's what I'm asking of you. That you be more than a mouth. I'm asking that you drop the focus.

Ignore your victimhood for the wider pictures.

I'm asking women to be Victoria Woodhill or Annie Sprinkle, not Gloria Steinem. I'm asking you to be the fighter who dares the rapist then destroys him. Not the scared rabbit who calls the cops when a construction worker whistles.

On the homo front, you have people begging for excuses. "It's genetic," they say. "It's natural."

Bruce Bagemihl wrote a book called, Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity. In that book, Bagemihl talks about 450 difference species of animals that he claims engage in homosex. The implication is, if animals do it, it's natural.

Bagemihl is wrong. There may be 450 difference species in which there is same sex sex, or sexual games. That doesn't make them homosexual. If they were, those species would quickly die out.

The reality is, that, like humans, these species are bi/polysexual. Sex is pleasurable, so they do it. The label homosexual is the label of an observer, with preconceived ideas and maybe a political motive. These animals have sex. That's all. Sometimes the partner is male, sometimes female. For them, it's no big deal. I just wish humans would grow up and look at things the same way.

Even if they don't. I want to see them stand up. Not beg to be "normal," but revel in the freedom to be different. Not whimper for crumbs from the table, but to throw up on it.

I'm asking homos to be Oscar Wilde, not Matthew Shepherd. I'm asking you to wear a brown handkerchief and a tube of KY. Not the pink triangle of Nazi victimhood. Be queer, different from the masses and proud of it. Not a faggot used to light the fires of torture.

As for me, I am not Auschwitz or Dachau. I am Einstein and Lenny Bruce. I am not the ovens or the showers. I am books and matzoball soup. I am not a persecuted victim. I am a fighter against persecution.

ENDNOTES: [Thanks to your protests, sit-ins, marches and church burnings, there are no longer length restrictions at MRR. All power to the people! Yeah!

Still, subscribers through my website:

www.freeyellow.com/members2/seidboard/index.html, or email (MykelB@ix.netcom.com) will receive a few extra endnotes. I need to clean out my computer.]

-->Washington Post Truth Jockeying dept: Brill's Report tells about how The Washington Post printed a horror story. They wrote that 226 pretrial inmates escaped from custody during a three-month period.

Worse than that, The Post reported "83 of them were later rearrested on new charges, including manslaughter and armed robbery."

The numbers are true, but the story lies. Of the 83 new charges, 63 were for escaping. That is, they committed no new crimes. They only escaped. Of the 83, the cops charged ONE with manslaughter and ONE with armed robbery.

The Washington Post lied, although the numbers were right. But that's not difficult, just ask any social scientist.

--> Another one spits out the dust department With so many venues closing down, it's nice to hear of a new one. This one is in Brooklyn. The woman booking it is Rachel. She's looking for "bands that don't suck." The address and contact info is: 91R Meserol St., Brooklyn 11206, (718) 302-0355. Email: twinge77@hotmail.com

Right now, Brooklyn has the potential to become what Manhattan was. The trouble is that it's easier to get New Yorkers to go to Mongolia than to Brooklyn. Let's see, when was the last time I was in...

--> Yowee Zowie dept: The folks at Mutant Pop sent me a buncha Connie Dungs stuff and I'm in heaven!

Funnier, and punker than jerking off in school!

Thanks guys! But how come the band never plays anywhere??

(http://members.aol.com/mutantpop/index.html)

--> Project of the month dept: Terry Piercey (1051 Mulvey St, Winnipeg Manitoba, CANADA R3M 1H1) is collecting pubic hair. He's gonna glue it to a bald cap. When he gets enough, he figures he'll have a wig. At least that's what he says. Why not send him some of yours, it can't hurt-- unless you miss with the scissors!

--> Homo embarrassment dept: I just got one of those cardpacks today. It's from "Gotham" something or other, tapping the gay market. One of the more noxious offering is from the GAY FINANCIAL NETWORK (www.gfn.com). "We're just a click away." It includes online brokerage and mutual funds.

Oy vey! It's been years since homos turned from being rebels into being a market. Now they're a FINANCIAL market. Peeee Yuuuuu! If there ever was a reason for returning to the closet, there's one now.!

-->Zine of the month dept: I don't know how long it's been sitting in my TO READ pile, but I'm glad I finally got to it. Magic Prise (PO Box 12181, Richmond VA 23241-2181) is pure genius. Sick fun, a zine after my own heart... er bowels. Perfect article on what to do when you're taking a dump in a public bathroom and some jerk comes in and takes the stall right next to you!

--> And homos want this? dept: In these weird times, "gay rights" means having all the chains that hets have. So you wanna get married, do you?

This story is from North Carolina. They have a law there "to punish homewreckers." If hubby jumps the coop, you can collect big bucks from THE OTHER WOMAN.

In this case, Dorothy Hutelmeyer, won a million dollars from her ex-husband's secretary.

Of course, not every state has this law, but they do have laws. Marriage makes you subject to these laws. Why would you do that? Don't you already have enough controls over your life.

So, keep the ban on gay marriage. If I had my way, there'd be a ban on ALL marriage.

-->What was my name? dept: My increasing senility and general flakiness finds its way into an apology here. I got a really cool sex and punk video. Also some Belgian God sent me a replacement for the TRIBE 8 shirt I lost in Hawaii! For BOTH of them, however, I lost names and addresses! If it was you-- send me a postcard. I'll send you a free OLD PUNKS NEVER DIE... T-shirt.

Anyone else, send me your own private porno, or anything else you think I'd like. I'm still at: POB 137, Prince Street Station, New York NY 10012.

--> It's test time dept: Here's a test from the Freedom from Religion Foundation, (Box 750, Madison, WI 53701). See how well you do.

1. The word God appears in the U.S.

Constitution how often?

a. not at all b. once c. six times

2. The U.S. Constitution guarantees religious liberty for:

a. Christians b. of all faiths c. atheists and agnostics d. all of the above

3. Separation of church and state started in which country?

a. France b. United States of America c.

Soviet Union d. Nazi Germany

4. The phrase "separation between church and state" originated with:

a. the Soviet constitution b. a dissenting opinion by former Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter c. a letter written by Thomas Jefferson d. none of the above

5. The Puritans escaped religious persecution and in their own colony allowed religious freedom for

a. everyone b. all Christians c.Puritans only d. Puritans and Anglicans

6. What does the First Amendment say about religion?

a. nothing b. that the U.S. is founded upon Christian principles c. that the Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting free exercise d. that there is no national religion, but each state may set up its own religious practices

7. "the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion" Where does this phrase occur?

a. the U.S. Communist party platform b. a speech by Abraham Lincoln c. American Jewish Congress d. U.S. treaty signed by President Adams

8. U.S. currency has carried the motto "In God We Trust" since:

a. the U.S. was founded b. 1862 c. 1914 d.

1954

Answers

1a 2d 3b 4c 5c 6c 7d. 8d

--> If they had more of a brain they'd be more dangerous dept Medscape Mental Health (yeah right) reports that there is a new "Pharmacologic Approach to the Treatment of Pathological Gambling." Yep, the cure for gambling? Give 'em drugs!

Specifically they recommend: "serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine neurotransmitter"

In this pill happy world is there a voice of reason besides Thomas Szasz? There maybe. I just saw an ad for a book called "Blaming The Brain: The Truth about Drugs and Mental Health." by Eliot Valenstein.

If you're not on Prozac or Ritalin, why not give it a read and let me know what you think.

--> Spam o' the month dept: I'm passing this on exactly as it came to my computer: you be the judge.

Is it real or a parody? These days, you should take nothing (humorous) for granted:

______________________________________

1 9 9 9

or

1-6 6 6

Is the END here?

Many people believe that just as we Scream happy new year this dec 31, 1999

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HELL ON EARTH!!!

Famine, Fires, Moon turned to blood,

the 7 seas boiling over, Tornados,

Hurricanes, Droughts, Earthquakes,

Volcanoes Erupting, World War, Total

Destruction of Earth. (happening simultaneously)

No one who is left will want to stay on the horrible planet that our earth will become.

Many of us here will be taken to heaven in a blink of an eye.. THAT'S RIGHT..GONE!!

Those who are left will wish they would have been whisked away to paradise!

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A CHANCE AND

BE LEFT TO SUFFER MORE THAN YOU

COULD EVER IMAGINE?... or be safe? ....1777?

If you want to guarantee your entrance into Heaven NOW is the time to act! You can guarantee your place inside the pearly gates today!

Now You can guarantee your that you will not be left to suffer the Horrific Planet that SATAN will claim for himself.

By ordering your piece of heaven you too will be whisked away when the time comes. Which may be sooner than we think !!!

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For Only $17.77 (that's 1-777 to counteract 1-666) You can live your life unafraid of the unforeseen future.

When you order Your own "HEAVEN'S CERTIFICATE" you are guaranteeing your place in eternity.

Each "HEAVEN'S CERTIFICATE" is personally blessed and prayed for you. You can live in peace knowing that you too will be whisked away to the pearly gates when the time is right to leave; as SATAN takes his reign on Earth !!

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SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER FOR $17.77 TO:

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--Mykel (mykelB@ix.netcom.com)

http://www.freeyellow.com/members2/seidboard/index.html