YOU'RE WRONG 

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

It's as painful as a spiked dildo. A twinge in my right side, down by the hipbone. At first, I'm barely aware of it. Then it turns, bubbles. A little ball of gurgling gas. Rising peristalticly, it moves up my large intestine. The discomfort turns to pain as slowly the internal fumes inch upward. How good it will feel when it makes its escape. Noise or not. I don't care. A blurt or a pop. Anything to end the bloat. The pain now crawls across my belly, right to left. Pressing nerves, rumbling with increasing intensity. It slams like a fist. I stop. Grab a chair. Bend forward, pregnant with the pain. Oh great gaseous gob, please release yourself. It's moved to the left now, starting its final blessed descent. The pain is intense, but the anticipation of relief is greater. Oh fortuitous fart, blast forth from the depths. Save me from this gastric hell. Now it sits just above that tight circular muscle. a force seeking it's own relief. Who am I to deny its flatulous freedom? Yet relief does not come. The doors to liberty have shut themselves, locking in their vaporous victim. Seated, I lean slightly to the left. Tightening my sagging abdomen. I push. Again. The stubborn sphincter gives way. A joyous opening through which, instead of gas, splats a viscous brown sludge.

Bear with me. I'll connect. Right now join me aboard my space-time machine. Don't worry. There's room for everyone. You, yeah the massive mammaried one in the back. Would you mind exhaling a bit so we can fit in a couple more.? Thanks. That everyone? Fine. Steady. I'll start the whirring. The twisting. Don't mind the flashing lights. Dizzy? It'll pass.

Here we are. Step out please. That's right. Don't mind the crowd. You can pass right through them. They don't even know you're there. Where are we? We're in The Left Nut, a fashionable homosexual bar in the Northwest section of Washington DC. It's the day of the millennium march. A million homos in the nation's capital. The march is over. The sweaty marchers relax over their PRIDE beer, talking about their victories, their goals, trying to pick each other up.

At the table in front of you are Carl Closet, an advertising agent from the DC area. The guy over there in the black suit, with lapels out of American Psycho is Gavin Gay The IV. He's a dot-com tycoon. For a fee, you can sign on to his website, type the name of your enemy and get immediate access to negative medical reports, unpaid loans and legal history. The site, www.destroyem.com, has recently added a "web-history" function. That lets you track the web-surfing habits of your intended victim. Remember that mayor of Springfield who stepped down because of his frequent visitations to www.kissthebunny.com? That information came from Gavin.

Then, there's Larry Lisp, dressed tonight in a taffeta gown, with gold high heels, and eyelashes out to here. Larry calls himself "a male impersonator." By night, he's a drag performer at The Stud. By day, he works as a lab assistant at George Washington University. Let's listen in on their conversation.

"I think it could really happen," says Gavin, "already there are gay marriages in Vermont."

"It's worth the fight," agrees Carl, "finally I'd be able to get decent healthcare for Bruce."

"It's so logical," answers Gavin. "Gay marriage is natural. It's only a matter of time. Like a fart waiting to bust out."

"That's disgusting," says Carl, "but you're right."

"Oh PUL-LEASE!" says Larry, brushing away an invisible fly. "Miss Thing over there wants healthcare for his cute little asset. What about me? Do I get anything? Can I choose a trick for a free check-up?"

"Look," says Gavin, "we can only go one step at a time. What's important is equality. Sure we need national health and lots of other things. Should we wait for it? We'll be waiting forever."

"Exactly," agrees Carl, "the most important thing is equality. That's what we need."

"Equality? Mary doesn't know what she's talking about," answers Larry. "You think marriage will make equality just like that?" He raises his right hand, snapping his fingers.

"That's no equality," he continues. "It's only people getting screwed. Heaven knows getting screwed is FAAABULOUS. I come just thinking about it. But honey, that government-registered screwing means Preparation H for a year. And what about those who don't register? Where's their equality? They get screwed without doing anything."

"Look," says Carl," you're not going to make marriage illegal, so you might as well make it fair."

It's time to make my move. Swallowing a bottle of substance enhancer, I become corporally real enough to be visible to the discussioners.

They're a bit startled by my appearance.

"Boys, boys," I say. "Let's settle this with science fiction."

I motion for them to stand up and follow me to the second stall in the mensroom. I don't know what they expect, but they find my space-time machine. Please step back a bit to make room for the new comers. Are we all inside? Fine. Now hang on as we're off again.

If it makes you dizzy, don't look outside, Space-shifting is tough enough, but this time travel... I donno, some people get sick. If you feel you're gonna puke, let me know and I'll stop. Please be considerate of others.

Ah we've arrived. Let me check the chronometer. It's July 4, 1826. Perfect. The country is celebrating its fiftieth birthday. If the locometer is correct, we're 35 degrees North and 87 degrees West. Yep, it's hot. We're right near Tuscaloosa Alabama, and it's summer.

Let's walk through the woods a bit. Watch out, you might twist an ankle in the underbrush. Try to avoid the swinging Negroes. They hang by the neck, eyes bulging, tongue stuck out. They dangle like cherries from the trees. Mostly runaway slaves. Look at that one over there, the one with this cock cut off and stuffed into his mouth. Yeah him. They say he touched a white lady.

Hope you can put up with the heat and humidity. We've only got a few hundred yards to go. Ah, here we are. In the Tuscaloosa town square. Independence day and scene of the first gay rights march. Unrecorded in most history books, I found a mention of it in an old diary I bought on ebay.

Ah, here we are: The Tuscaloosa Tavern. The bar is packed. Bearded whitemen wrap their arms around each other's shoulder as they raise their beer mugs.

"Here's to ole Dixie," says one man, with pale skin and a beard as blond as a Swede, "and equal rights."

"I'll drink to that," says another.

Sorry I can't tell you their names. We lose some particulars with time travel. Names fade, like details in an old photograph.

"Think it'll happen?" asks a beefy guy with a massive beard and hair that goes down the back of his neck.

"Yes!" replies the blonde with a big smile. "It's taken fifty years, but I predict that by the end of this year, homosexuals will be allowed to own slaves."

"Here, here!" shouts the second guy. "Yes! We too will be slave owners! Long live equality!"

Everyone in the bar raises his mug and shouts the chorus, "LONG LIVE EQUALITY!"

There is one objector, a slightly effeminate young man, either clean shaven or with no need to shave. It's hard to tell.

"Are you sure about this guys?" he asks. "I mean the whole idea of slavery is unjust. How can us joining it make it better?"

"Look," says the blonde, "you're not going to make slavery illegal. You might as well make it fair."

HALT. Shift. Move to the present. The here and now. The theoretical? Get it? What is a system that says that the government has to approve your relationship before its valid? What is a system that says if you are legally tied to someone else and you break that tie, they punish you. What is a system where the law says you cannot have sex outside of government-registered coupledom? What is a system that gives free insurance to legal spouses but not to single people? What is a system that requires you to be tied to someone with paper manacles so they can visit you in the hospital, inherit your money or even share a motel room? That is slavery, buckaroos.

The workworld invented the nuclear family as an economic union between income producer and kid-nurser. It's the smallest group that can do both jobs. It is economically efficient, because it provides income and childcare in one compact unit. It is also isolating, and dehumanizing, making nice little functioning machines and not much else. It creates financial gears instead of friends. It makes us and them, instead of just us.

If you don't need or want that cozy machine, you don't need or want marriage. If you're not interested in "providing for a spouse" or being a Betty Crocker homemaker, then you don't even need coupledom, let alone marriage. Why two? Why the same two, for G-d's sake? Even if you believe the romantic myth, you're not dumb enough to think it's the only myth, are you?

Last year there was a protest because Microsoft offered an internet contest. One of the prizes was a vacation in Jamaica. The contest limited that prize "to male-female couples."

"Unfair to gays," protested the hapless homos. "You should allow gay couples"

Hello? What about NOT couples. Why is preference discrimination bad, but number discrimination okay? Marriage is institutionalized TWO.

And the penalties? The price paid by those who violate that government-sanctioned twoness: alimony, child support, loss of job, even jail. Rudy Guiliani was forced from the NYC senate race not because he had prostate cancer, but because he fucked around. He violated the couple.

Tangent: Child support, the darling cause of liberals and feminists everywhere, is an oppressive unfair institution. One of many built around marriage and forced partnership.

Let's get this straight, it is a woman's choice to have a child. That is the basic and primary fact. Abortion is legal in America.

If a man agrees to help raise a child than he should be bound by that agreement. But only that. Many men are tricked into becoming fathers. "I'm on the pill." "Oh just this once won't hurt. It's the wrong time of month."

None of this trickery counts in court. Nor does it count if mom is rich and dad doesn't have a pit to pot in. Nor does it count how much it really costs to raise a child. Courts base child support on the size of your pockets, not on the needs of the child. It doesn't even count if the court allows you to see your child. Even if you're banned, you still have to pay.

They can get you anywhere. Anytime. It's a federal offense not to pay. You're better off just stalking and shooting the kid. Murder isn't a federal offense.

End of tangent.

You can take care. Wear your party hat. Avoid fatherhood/motherhood as well as the more insidious form of government control: marriage. It's your choice, right?

Wrong. So much DEPENDS on this legal coupledom. Those who aren't part of it are shut out of free healthcare, child-rearing, hospital visitation rights, inheritance, and tons of other privileges. A foreigner can stay in the US just by getting married? Most others get thrown out! One of those Miami Cuban idiots should marry Elian Gonzalez. That would solve the problem.

The homomarriage website offers a document listing 1049 privileges married people have, that are denied to everyone else. (Check it out at: www.marriageequality.com/images/1049.pdf) Those of us who run from coupledom like from a cancroid penis are denied those benefits. Our choice is be a servant of government approved twoness, or be an outcast. Do you choose servitude?

Gay marriage is NOT equality. It is spreading slavery. Like slavery, marriage is unfair and unequal. It is the legal binding of two people, as strong a bind as a slave and her owner.

As long as the law treats married people differently than unmarried people, there is no equality. As long as the law rewards legally blessed duos and curses other relationships, more marriages cannot bring equality, but only more misery to those who aren't married.

When liberals ask you to support gay marriage, your reflex is "sure, I favor gay marriage. It's only fair and natural." You see it like a fart. Just expel it and everything will be okay.

Well, buckaroos, check a little deeper before you blow out that fart. It'll be too late when you find yourself covered in shit.

ENDNOTES: [Visitors to my website: www.MykelBoard.com or subscribers (email to: TheBoss@MykelBoard.com) will receive a few extra endnotes. There are just too many to keep up with.]

-->Spam o' the month dept: This came unsolicited into my emailbox. I've cut it slightly to save space.

From: Poll_05@jegeec.chat.ru

VOTE YES OR NO FOR SPAM!

The hottest issue on the Internet is unsolicited email, affectionately referred to as SPAM. I've heard it said that stopping spam would be an infringement on one's right to free speech as well as freedom of the press. People on the other side state that unsolicited email is an invasion of privacy and should be illegal. Which side are you on?

By taking part in this survey you will be helping to decide what outcome the law will have on this issue and help to offset the cost of publishing these results. To participate, call 1-900-VOTE-NOW or (900-868-3669) and after the very short message, select "1" on your phone for "NO" or "2" for "YES".

Let your opinion be known! VOTE- VOTE- VOTE- VOTE- VOTE- VOTE- VOTE- VOTE

You will be charged $1.99 for your call.

-->If that's socially responsible, then so's my dick dept: So I'm looking for a place to invest the millions I've made writing for MRR. I see this ad in the Utne Reader for "Domini Social Investments." It's a fund that invests in goodguys "using social and environmental criteria." So I send 'em a letter and get back lots of paper. On one of the sheets, the company lets us know more specifically what it's investment strategies are:

1. We strive to avoid companies with significant revenues from alcohol, tobacco, gambling, nuclear power and weapons contracting.

2. Largest holding: Microsoft [biggest monopolizer, unfair business company in America.]

3. Fourth largest holding: [Wal-Mart, biggest third-world exploiter, mom and pop destroyer, low wage payer in America.]

Yeah!

-->It's how you say it dept: In fifty years there'll be no difference between British and American English. Every day I hear Brit terms like "wanker" and "bollocks" creeping into American English. With the internet, more could be on the way.

Well, I say, Let It Be, at least in some cases. Here are some British words I'd like to see in American English:

aeroplane blonds - girls who have dyed hair but still have 'black boxes'!

drink-link - an ATM machine you use before going out on a drunken binge!

mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight clothes. You can see the 'lips' moving but can't understand what they're saying.

release a chocolate hostage - to shit

-->Speaking of the homovote dept: Before the big millennium march, I got an email message asking me to join thousands of others. We would decide what the issues were going to be. They planned the march first, then decide why they were marching.

Here are the choices they offered and the comments I sent back:

___ Hate Crimes Legislation [Sure, create a new kind of thought crimes.]

___ Right To Marry [Oy vey!]

___ Non-Discrimination in Employment [How about "ending the need for employment?"]

___ Right To Serve Our Country [With gravy and dressing on the side?]

___ Lesbian Health Issues [The Adkins diet or the Pritkin?]

___ AIDS/HIV Issues [For the last 10 years we hear "AIDS isn't a gay issue," Now it's a gay issue?]

___ Child Custody and Adoption Rights [But you still want it limited to couples, right?]

_x_ GLBT Aging Issues [This one I vote for. Stop Aging Now!]

___ Immigration Rights [Was that Cuban kid a homo?]

___ GLBT Youth Issues [How about HUMAN Youth Issues? Like freedom of press, and information access for everyone,regardless of age?]

___ Overturning Anti-GLBT Laws [How about overturning ALL discriminatory laws?]

___ Right To Privacy/Choice [Why is this a gay issue?]

___ GLBT Global Issues [How about ALL the evils of Globalism?]

_X_ Other: ________________________ [You bet! Sexual freedom for everyone. End of censorship. End of enforced coupledom. End of penalties for any kind of consensual sex. End of all criminalized sexuality. End of anti-prostitution laws. End of anti-pornography laws. End of narrow identity politics. Fat chance.]

-end-